Sometimes it seems like Lana Del Rey's lyric "They mistook my kindness for weakness" was written about me. I have always been a bubbly, loud, energetic girl. I try to be as welcoming and kind as I can be to everyone I meet. On the surface, I know that there is nothing inherently wrong with being this way. Through the past year, though, I now see that there will always be people who want to take advantage of my trust. I am tired of my kindness being interpreted as a weakness. I am tired of people interpreting my forgiveness as an invitation to test its limits.

I am an incredibly passive person when I am upset about things. Even in my lowest moments, I always focus on the other person's needs and defer away from my struggles. I do my best to comfort people, even— and especially— when they're the person who hurt me in the first place. Because of this, I lead people to believe that they don't need to feel bad about treating me poorly.

I often feel like people treat me worse than they would their other friends because they don't feel any pressure to respect me. They aren't scared of consequences because I give them the idea that there will never be any. They apologize only after being told what they did wrong (never realizing it on their own), to which I always immediately respond with, “It's okay. I forgive you. I'm sure you had your reasons for doing what you did." So they never learn what it feels like to fear our relationship being in danger, because I back down from every conflict, convincing myself it's my own weakness that is making me upset in the first place.

I am so good at pretending that nothing hurts me that I sometimes even fool myself. Because I hardly communicate my feelings when I'm upset, people assume that nothing hurts me. So they start doing whatever they want because they know I'll just continue to be my happy, smiling self, and treat them with kindness. I try so hard to be a constant support in everyone's lives when their contributions are sporadic and half-hearted at best, and I am often left without their friendship to rely on when I really need it.

I have never been the kind of person who has been nice to others because I expect something in return. In fact, it's clear that the opposite is pretty much true. However, I've realized that I need to let myself be upset when others don't care to show me the same kindness I show them. I should not have to settle for any kind of friendship or relationship where I feel like the one doing something wrong when in reality, I am constantly tiptoeing around to make sure I keep everyone else happy. I wish I could be caring and good without it backfiring.

I like to think that, because I am in college, this will be a pattern I won't have to face forever. Young adults are, as a whole, pretty immature, even though we have the power and foresight to bring more positive energy into the world than we choose to. I hope that in a few years, once the age range of the people I surround myself with is older, I won't be so hard-pressed to find people who can show me the love and respect I show them. In reality, though, I know that this isn't very likely. From what I've witnessed, adulthood doesn't magically change selfish, immature people. The "adult world" is just like the college one I'm in now, but with a bit more responsibility that people can still find a way to ignore.

Even after all of this, I won't let these realizations squander my spirit. That's not who I am, and not who I want to be. I have found a great sense of peace with myself in knowing that I can forgive others and help to bring happiness to their lives. That said, kindness does not have to equal weakness. In all honesty, it takes so much more strength to be kind toward those who have repeatedly hurt you than it does to turn them away and hold a grudge. Sometimes I don't recognize this strength enough, but I am incredibly lucky to have a mom and best friend who see how badly I need to stand up for myself and are helping me treat myself as respectfully as I treat others. So, I will keep being myself. I will keep smiling. But I will not let myself be made to feel weak, or stupid, or small. I have my limits, just like anyone else, and it's well past time I started respecting those limits and caring for my own happiness.