As any millennial knows, navigating romantic relationships in our modern society can be tricky. The social guidelines people followed in the past are almost nonexistent today—and that’s probably for the best, but it does make navigating social situations and relationships less clear.

In particular, it seems harder than ever to figure out how serious a relationship is. Today we have gray areas known as “talking” which can mean everything from two people are on the verge of dating to they met once at a bar. It often seems like relationships are a contest of who can appear to care the least. Whoever can take longer to text back, seem more aloof, and just be more “chill” seems to have the power in the relationship. This idea of just being chill and casual about relationships is something I hear discussed a lot—that we, especially girls, just need to be chill and calm down about relationships. We shouldn’t rush to make things exclusive or put labels on a relationship. In some ways, I think this idea has merit. There’s nothing wrong with taking time or moving slowly in a relationship. However, the whole concept of “being chill” seems a bit overrated—not just in romantic relationships, but in everyday life.

In some contexts “being chill” might just mean being relaxed or not worrying about something, but too often, it seems to be used as a synonym for pretending like you don’t care about a person or thing, and I wonder why we see this as desirable. Why do we see people who act like they don’t care about us—or actually don’t—as more attractive than people who openly share their feelings? And why do we do it to others? Many times it may be easier to pretend like we don’t care about a person in hopes that we won’t have to worry about being rejected, and it might even be easier to pretend we don’t care about a class or interview in case we fail. However, I think there is a lot to gain from showing we care. For one, while you probably shouldn’t propose marriage after a first date, being open with a person about your feelings could enable you to think about the way you feel more and just become a more self-aware person. And maybe—just maybe—the person you’re talking to will feel more inclined to be open with you. And in subjects outside of relationships, showing that we care about something is also useful. Admitting to ourselves and others we care about a subject or event may make us realize what we want to do with our lives and what kind of subjects we want to learn more about. As an added bonus, showing passion and enthusiasm for a subject is always attractive to teachers and employers. Perhaps we’d all be a little better off to admit we’re really not that chill.