I think there has been a common misconception about what being “the good guy” is. Sometimes, being the good guy to most men seems to mean that they are nice and they buy you flowers and ask you on the dates and are generally polite. You see, the problem with that is that as of recent, the women I have encountered are tired of this “good guy” trope where all the men are just as bad as the rude ones. To explain what that means, let me tell you a story.

A guy came into work the other day in a full tux, hair combed back, he looked very fancy, and he was asking for one of my co-workers. The problem is, despite is being a nice thought, he set off a red flag in my mind. He did not know my coworker. He called her by a name that no one that has actually met her before would call her. So as “sweet” and “cute” as it was for him to get all dolled up to bring her flowers and ask her out, there was a reason I found the whole thing creepy; he didn’t even know her or had never really met her.

“Beckett, even if he was admiring her from afar it was still cute!” I can hear some of you saying in my brain.

No, reader, it is not cute. I don’t understand what is so conceptually difficult for other men to understand; it is weird to do something like that, it is not romantic. If you don’t see why a girl would have to be on guard for that very situation, then you are a dunce cap.

Besides the key red flag that made the entire thing seem off to me, the next day I found out that this guy didn’t know her, had never met her, had been Facebook stalking her, showed up at her place of work, and brought her flowers from an hour away. This is why girls have to be on guard, why they have to keep things private, why they have to remain polite even when they are seriously uncomfortable. All men, even the “nice” ones, are a threat, and I am tired of those guys being deemed “nice” guys when they are not in the least.

What being the actual good guy means is understanding and acclimating to the boundaries that women have, making sure to always ask first and proceed with caution, making sure you are reading cues, and not doing weird or creepy things like showing up to her place of work when you don’t even know her. It means that you don’t do things to get anything in return, or so someone will “owe” you. It means that you have respect for and are supportive of women doing what they want or what they need, and acknowledging that just because you may like someone, doesn’t mean that they like you or that they have to. No one is entitled to anyone’s time or attention just because they simply want it.

Being the actual good guy means that you are aware of the things women go through, do your best to empathize with it, and never force them into anything. Just because a guy wants something doesn’t mean any girl has to give it to him, just because a guy does something nice for you, doesn’t mean you “owe” him anything. He should be paying attention and not be angry at the fact that a lot of women are scared of men, because the truth of the matter is, I may not be a threat, but I understand if a woman is cautious around me.

Women have to deal with angry men who think the world owes them a favor just because they are polite or do something nice? If someone does something nice and it’s just for show, then they aren’t nice, they are just doing it for attention. There are a lot of “good guys” who feel a little too entitled and beat a woman, who kill a woman, who makes a woman give in because they don’t get what they want just for being “nice.”

To my fellow men: being “nice” and doing something “nice” for someone doesn’t mean they owe you a favor, doesn’t mean they have to give you something in return (literally anything at all) because doing something nice comes with no strings attached, nothing should be expected. I am tired of watching the women in my life be so uncomfortable and endlessly frustrated with having to carefully let some guy down because they are scared, or because they don’t want to do anything to make them angry. How about for once, us guys take a stand, and we just act like civilized, decent, kind human beings for the sake of it, instead of just the idea that women somehow owe us something for doing something decent?