While I was at home I was suffering a lot. My mother made me feel like I was not worth anything. She mistreated me to the point I questioned if I was her child or not. I was maltreated by her a lot, and I felt she hated me. It was that bad. I needed an escape from her, and my only escape was university. I could not bear the suffering in my house anymore. My mum treated me like a disease that had to get out of her house.

I remember getting admission to my first university. I was excited and sad at the same time. I was excited because I had gotten admission after waiting home for one year to get into school. I was sad because one of my high school mates was going to be there, and I wanted to be at a place where no one knew me so that I could have a new life. I then decided to be positive about it and tell myself she would be my friend and would also help me make friends so that I could have a support system. I was deep down very sad about my admission to this school, and I blamed my high school counselor for not letting me choose my own school. I really never wanted to go to this school, but she told me it’s better to be with my high school mate. Her name will be Tani (pseudo name).

I had two choices. Stay home for one year or go to this school. I did not want to go, but I had no choice as other schools were either too expensive or they did not want to accept my results. I was sad, but I had to go as I did not want to keep staying home while my friends were in school. I could not take it anymore. I just kept being mad at my counselor for betraying me so much and it was clear she did not care. I then just accepted my fate that I would be going to this university whether I liked it or not. It’s like one of those things you wish to change but can’t change.

I did not tell my high school mate I was coming to her school, but I wanted to surprise her, but I told her I was going to a university soon after one year of not being able to go to school. I then went to the school. Before then I had been checking out the pictures Tani took with her friends, and I had gotten to know her friend’s names and so it was quite easy for me to talk to them in person. I then met them, and I spoke to them, and I told them they were my friends because Tani was my high school mate/friend. But I really did not even know the real meaning of a friend then, and I assumed since we had something in common she was automatically my friend. I then met all her friends named Ishma, Teniola and Ruth. I then went to spend the night at their house. I felt so comfortable with them, and I never wanted to be alone. I ate there and stayed there. I always wanted to be like Tani. She dressed so well and was cool.

Ishma made my hair and I paid her. While she was making my hair, I was feeling sleepy and I told her. She got mad at me for falling asleep and started to shout at me. I felt like it was OK since she was making my hair till 2 in the morning. As far as I was concerned she was doing me a favor and it was OK for her to shout at me because she was making my hair. I then tolerated it and I waited till my hair was done. I then got to know the next morning that Ishma was telling people that when she was making my hair that I was complaining that she was making my hair? That sounded ridiculous to me. How could it be? That I would say such a thing to someone who helped me make my hair. She said my hair was too short, but I told her my hair was even way shorter in high school and this was my hair being long to me. As far as I was concerned, I had hair that was braidable. After that, I went out with them and even went to their church with them. I did all the things they wanted. There were days they gossiped, and I felt that was not OK. They gossiped about people whom they knew and smiled with, but I could not do much about it. I just sat there and listened, feeling bad on the inside that they were saying bad things about these people that I liked. I felt like if I pleased this people maybe they would like me. I felt that if I did their biddings that would help them like me, and I was so desperate for them to like me that I did. I cleaned their house and did all they wanted from me just to get that likeness.

I was invited to their first party, and I did not go because I had to do some homework for school. I had to either do my work or fail my classes, and I chose to not go for this party. They called me to ask if I was going to the party and I said no. They still came to my room nonetheless to ask if I was ready. I then said no I could not come. When they came to my room I was working on my paper on my computer and I had powder on my face as my mother had asked me to use my powder on my face to clear pimples. They went around to spread rumors that I was doing strange things and acting strange. That part made me cry because I did nothing strange. I did not do anything to deserve the mean things that these people were doing to me. Even my high school mate Tani joined them. She was supposed to be my friend and support me when things were going bad. She called me to say that I scared my roommate with the powder on my face, and I told myself who would be scared because I had powder on my face. It made no sense to me, but I was sure that Tani was trying to help me. But how is having powder on my face a bad thing? I asked myself that a hundred times. Another day Tani said I did not greet her and that I should not call her for help anymore. I begged her and said I was sorry and she said OK. I was confused as to why she was finding fault with everything I was doing. It seemed no matter what I did, it would not be OK with Tani. I just could not figure out how my sweet high school mate had turned to this girl who was acting different. She was dressing differently and going to parties. She was doing things she did not like to do in high school. I was surprised to see the change in her. She was such a sweet person in high school, and I wanted her to be friends with me. She was meant to be loyal to me, I thought.

There was a day I was crying in my room. I was crying because these people were saying the worst things about me and I did not know why. There were saying things about me like I was local, I was strange, I was weird, I was not cool and did not dress well, I was all sorts of things. I can’t remember those things right now because they’re not important to me. They said all sorts of bad things about me, and I did not know why. All I wanted was friends? Nothing more. If they did not want to be friends with me why did they not tell me? I did try to understand them but I could not. They were making up stories about me and I did not understand them. Who will craft up stories about another human being? What could be the gain in that?

The guy there was Daniel, and he also joined them in bullying me. He was also mean to me. He came to meet me one of these days. He came with a female friend and he was shouting at me and calling me names, and the female friends he brought with him stood there looking and said nothing. I asked myself, does she not have a sister? How would she feel if her own sister was going through what I went through? I started crying because I was sad. They actually reported me to my mum that I was not doing well in school and all sorts of made up stories.

I did all I could to be friends with these people, but it did not work at all. I did all I could in my power to make them like me, but it was clear that it would not work. I remember them saying I did not go to church with them and I thought to myself, is it part of what Christ would want for people, to gossip and do evil to each other? It seems people do not even know what the word Christian means. It actually means Christ like. I then stopped going anywhere with them when I realized that they were ostracizing me and treating me very badly.

There was a particular day Tani hit me on my head because I did something she did not like. I felt so much pain on my head it was like someone broke a bottle on my head. It was so bad that I went to the hospital. I was sick and took drugs. When I called Tani to tell her she was just laughing. She found it funny. After that, I gave them their space. I started to avoid them. I did my own part. I spoke to Tani occasionally, but I avoided the others like plague. I did what was best for me. I found out Tani was leaving and I was sad. I told her not to leave me to suffer. I begged her to stay with me or I would not survive. I cried when she left. One of the other girls called Kayla came to visit me, and I was nice to her because I felt she was on my side. I then decided to stay on my own as I realized these relationships were not healthy. I did my best to avoid them, but they did not avoid me. I then stay on my own. It did not work as they also found fault in me staying on my own. I was not doing well in school, and that was of the rumors they spread about me to make fun of me. I asked all of them for help, but they said they could not help me at all. That made me stay away from all of them. What use is trying to be around people who did not wish me well?

I then went my own way and did what I needed to do. I did my best to try to avoid them. There was a day that I went to the international office. I met Ruth there and she was talking to me. Things were OK at first and we were talking normally. Another girl came to talk to her, and I was joking with her, but all of a sudden out of nowhere Ruth ran faster me and started hitting me. She hit me with all of her strength as if it was a mission that she had to accomplish. As if that was not enough, she accused me of disrespecting her. I told myself that when Tani hit me they said she was joking with me. She started to shout at me and threaten me with law enforcement and all sorts of things. She started to call me all sorts of names in the book. She did not spare me at all. The worst part was that I went back to the hospital and this time I was worse. I was sick and I did some blood test. It was the worst experience of my life. It felt that I was dying. It was that bad. I felt so sick that I was worried that I would not make it. I was scared to tell my mother because I felt she would blame me and ask why did I not avoid them totally. I did avoid them, but on this occasion she came to talk to me. It is easy to say why did I not avoid them, but I did my best. I felt like everyone was rejecting me. My mother rejected me, and then everyone I knew was rejected. I felt like something had to be wrong with me. I was so sure something was wrong with me.

The one thing I do regret most in my life is waiting for Ruth to lecture me. That is the one thing I regret most in my life.

The one thing that hurts me about the past is this:

It takes time to bully someone, and I'm angry that I gave these people my time to bully me. Let's say they were jobless; could I not have engaged myself thereby not having time to join them in their irrelevant activities? Let's say they had nothing to do; why did I have nothing to do too but sit down and let people bully me? It's easy to say I did not deserve it, but why did I not avoid them totally too when I could have? When I knew they were out to get me? When they were lying on me? I don't understand that part at all. If I was that jobless, why must I wound myself? Why did I not stay somewhere where they won't find me? Even if the school did not have engaging activities, could I not have created something to do minus going to the place where I knew they would be?

I think the biggest issue I have is that I want to change my past. I really wish those bad things did not happen to me, but my brain wants to change the past. My brain wants to make things different but it is clear that I cannot change the past. The thing I have not figured out is what I did to make those people hate me that much. I asked them, but they said they did not hate me that it was all my fault. I thought something was wrong with me, but I now realized they had the problem not me.

Here is a link to a story about Amy Inita Joyner-Francis who died of bullying in Delaware. It breaks my heart to see her death, but I want others to seek help. I want students to seek help when they experience bullying. Suffering in silence is the worst, but I don’t want others to do so. I did not even know what bullying was until now. I just want others to report to anyone around that can help to stop the bullying. I never got justice, but I left that to God. God is the master of justice. I gave this pain to God and left it behind me forever. I left my desperation for friends to focus on healing and my health.