“Why?” “Is this what you wanted?” “I think you messed up again...” “Did you realize what you said?” "I can't believe you."

Words. Words are powerful and carry a heavy weight that can kill and destroy. Maybe you haven’t heard every sentence above, but you've probably heard at least one or two of them, or maybe you have been the one saying them.

The idea of a clenched fist is a mind in defense. A message from our brain to our body that says, “You’re going to have to fight, so put them up.” It is a signal to our hearts that we need to remember the hurt and pain we have felt in the past and we need to be ready to do anything to never feel that feeling again...

Recently a not-so-old part of my past came back around for a bit. It’s been awhile since this person affected me, and I have changed so much, God working what only he could do in both of us. God took a broken, hurt, insecure, and wrongly motivated girl and stood her upon solid ground. In my past, I was one part victim, one huge part perpetrator. I said terrible things. I lied. I hurt people. I gossiped. I blamed others. When everything was said and done and my mom was the one who finally told me that I was obviously miserable and needed to get out for my own mental health, I didn't really want too. One of the hardest things I ever had to do, was to walk away, and walking away was more like being dragged off while looking back the whole time, wanting to keep defending what little honor I had left. Why? Because life is HARD. And words HURT. And people hurt people, and themselves.

During a church retreat earlier this year, we were challenged to close our eyes and picture where we were in our walk with the Lord. What was the ground I was standing on looking like?

I found a secluded corner and shut my eyes. And I hope I never forget what I saw…

I saw me, made of rock.

I saw myself covered in leaves, the colors of deep autumn.

I saw myself standing on ground that was uneven and sandy.

I opened my eyes and I knew what I had seen. And then I knew what God wanted me to do.

I had built myself up. I had put on a mask of strength and honor that I didn’t own up to, and I was so prideful about who I thought I was. I was trying to be this great and awesome leader and friend all on my own, my own rock. I was covered in leaves that were ready to fall, ready to come down; their soul purpose to die off and let new life begin.

I was clenching my fists, hard.

That weekend I got baptized outside on a snowy afternoon in the Rocky Mountains. I realized where I had been standing. More than that, I realized where I needed to declare I was building my kingdom on: the solid ground that only Jesus Christ provides.

That memory and many other moments have lead to healing and grace and redemption from a sad time in my life. Jesus doing something only Jesus does which is taking the broken pieces and replacing them for whole ones.

I tell you this because now, a while later, my fists still clench.

The pain can still get very real. The pain of being hurt, the pain of being the one doing the hurting. No one wants to be reminded of who they used to be or be judged on those actions when that is not who they are anymore. Can I blame them? Not really, I was pretty terrible.

But who am I listening to?

What mask am I trying desperately to put on? Sometimes I find I don’t fit into it anymore, so I have to stop pretending like I can.

And when, God? WHEN am I going to stop clenching my fists when the past comes rushing back up quick, or the old feelings of rejection and pain that cut my stomach like a knife come back?

When will I be able to get to know someone without feeling like I'm just going to fail, again? And I'm just going to hurt them or get hurt, again?

Father, when do I get to unclench my fists and just keep pressing on to you, believing fully that I am found, and I have purpose that goes beyond anyone I have been in the past? Because I want too, but...

Jesus, I am so tired of thinking that somehow people must be against me. Somehow my friends probably don't even like me because of how friends have hurt me in the past. The worst line I ever heard that cut the deepest was the one saying I should move back where I came from. Erase my existence here...still comes back up into my head. the devil telling me,"That's the real truth, don't you know? No one wants you here."

I can’t answer these questions, and for you, maybe you can’t either. It seems kinda simple… “Just trust God and get going.” But when those words are said, all you can think in your heart is “Don't you think I am trying?"

I’m not here to tell you that God is going to do it for you. I’m not here to tell you that God is going to take your broken pieces and make them whole right now, today. I’m not here to tell you that you just need to pray and trust more.. I’m not here to tell you that someday you’ll wake up and it’ll all be 100. I’m not here to tell you that Jesus clenched his fists once, so its OK for you to as well.

I am here to tell you that slowly, little by little, the more you give it to Jesus a little more each day, your fists will not clench so hard. They might still be prone to clench and tighten without hesitation. it is hard and will be hard to not do so.

You're only human, prone to self-defense. Prone to defend any honor you possess.

I am here to tell you to be sensitive in the words you use, not because you might hurt someone but because people are hurting. I am here to tell you to keep lifting up your eyes, bit by bit, Jesus isn’t going anywhere. I am here to tell you that any inch of pride in you will destroy a mile of your life. I am here to tell you to be honest with yourself. Perpetrators masquerade as victims all the time. I am here to tell you to own up to who are you right now. Not who you have been, but right now, who is looking back in the mirror at you. I am here to tell you that the enemy is way more concerned with destroying your future than your past.

I am here to remind you that you are good. Can you believe that?

All the shame and hurt and pride and rejection and mean words and gossip and whatever else…God still looks at you, straight in the eye and says, “You are good.”

Not because of who you are, but because of who he is.

Grace grace grace.

So with those fists up it may not get better overnight, in fact in reality it probably won’t. It might not in a year or five.

So ask yourself...

Behind those clenched fists ready to defend, who are you really fighting for? Behind those clenched fists who is the person wearing the mask? Behind those clenched fists, who is going to be the one to let the grasp get a little looser?

A clenched fist means you’re in trouble, some way or another. Something is hurting you or you are about to hurt someone. A clenched fist is a sign for help. A sign you need more than just words to get you through. An unclenched hand can do one amazing thing that a clenched hand cannot…

it can hold onto someone else.

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.” -Psalm 18:16

So, little by little, I hope and pray that whatever your circumstance and whatever your journey, that you unclench little by little, and let down your defense, not so that someone can come in and convince you again of why you clenched them in the first place, but so that someone much bigger and grander and stronger can grab onto it.

That hand reaching out for you, prying each finger apart gently and lovingly and carefully, one by one, that’s your first love. That is where you will begin to heal and begin to see there is MORE to your story. But right now, you are here. Right here. In this season, this town, this place.

And thank you Jesus, that the first and best love meets us right where we are at.

In closing, please believe I am not saying not to fight for yourself. By all means, fight for who you are and who God is making you! And I am not saying to just sit back and expect God to take care of everything while you don't participate at all. And yes, there are definitely times in life when God does need us to back away fully and let him handle the situation. Sometimes what is needed is not for us to back down, but just let him go first. Let him go first, and you follow. David still had to fight Goliath, but he let God go before him and came out the victor. God isn't always saying not to fight, but friend, isn't it better when we let him go first? Isn't it better when we lay out the battle before the King and ask where we should go?

A good and wise king never puts his soldiers in unnecessary danger. But he knows what must be done in order to accomplish the task ahead. So yeah it will probably be messy. There will be hard conversations. There will be hot tears. There will be prideful walls breaking down. There will be exposure and vulnerability.

But thank you Jesus there will be grace. Thank you God there will be truth along with it. Thank you Father that there will be love.

If there is anything you need to hear right now from Jesus, maybe it is this, "I love you. I love you SO MUCH. Your hurt is my hurt. I hurt for you, I hurt for you on the cross, and when you hurt that person and when they hurt you. But let me lift your head. Let me give you confidence. Let me give you strength. You're a warrior, did you forget? I didn't. I hurt for you, but I'm not sorry for you, because this has a purpose. I'm already making this beautiful. I'm already fighting for you. Put on the armor, but don't forget who your commander is. I already made a way, and I'm going with you, in front of you, to fight for you, and there is nothing you can do about it, except take my hand and come. Lock eyes with me. I'm not going anywhere."

Prayers for you,

Cass