I suffer from something known as Dermatillomania which is an obsessive compulsion to pick at one's skin. It falls under the OCD category, more specifically body-focused repetitive behavior. I have been dealing with it since I was in elementary school. This often leads to red welts, bleeding, and scarring to my body.

It is not just a simple popping of a pimple and moving on with your day. If I happen to pick at one spot, I find myself still looking into the mirror 20 minutes later, just picking and scratching my skin often to the point of drawing blood. I don't even realize how much time has passed.

This happens multiple times a day and any area of my body is free game: arms, face, chest, shoulders, legs. I often find myself doing it without even realizing it and perform this ritual even when I'm doing normal tasks such as driving or in class. As soon as my hands feel something that mind determines as an imperfection, my hands get to work.

I hate it, I hate doing it, and often I hate myself for allowing myself to do it. It is a constant battle of half of me telling myself to stop and the other half feeding into the feeling of satisfaction as each imperfection is tackled. It has made me avoid certain clothes so people do not notice the affected areas as much. It even makes me self-conscience about my sexual life since one of my main target areas is my chest.

Having a behavioral disorder does not define me, but it is apart of me. It's not something I can just decide one day to stop completely and have a normal life again. But it is something I can gain some control over to where it will not control me.

Being conscious and aware of your behavioral disorder, whatever it may be, can make some difference, but it can also manifest itself in another obsession if you are not careful. While I track and record my larger and prominent picking sessions, I remind myself if I do not have to record each time I pick. That it is okay if I forget to record a session or two.

While I do not know what caused me to fall into this obsession yet, I do understand what triggers a session to occur. It increases in times of stress and high anxiety since it gives a pleasurable response that counteracts those feelings. Even being near/in front of mirrors increases the urges to pick.

I've come to terms that this is something I have and am slowly going down the road of finding help with this disorder. Admiting to yourself that something is an issue is the first step to the road of bettering yourself.