I have discovered that there is nothing more difficult than starting over. When you stand on the edge of something for so long, you begin to become numb to it. You look into the eyes of fear, pain, lies and uncertainty for decades -- and you eventually stop feeling. It's easier not to feel. It's easier not to hope, it's easier not to dream. Sadness, and darkness consume you until there is nothing but an empty shell that fades in and out of every waking moment. At first its a slow fade. You don't want to do the things you used to enjoy, the things that gave your life purpose. The books you love become too much work to read. The places you used to go begin to feel like something from a sad story, happy memories are attached to them -- but in a melancholic sort of way. The people you love begin to feel far away, and you yourself begin to feel far away. Every day seems to become a little more grey, and a little more of you begins to slip away. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and months turn into years -- until the grey is all-consuming. What happens next is the worst part. You slowly begin to forget the person you were before the darkness swallowed him. A faint distant memory -- like remembering a dream -- that's all you can remember of the person you once were. Time marches on in a slow drudge, and you begin to abandon all hope. One day you find yourself accepting this as your fate.

This is where I found myself. I had lost all light in my life. The world and it's possibilities were closed to me. Emotions became tangled, twisted, and confusingly mired. I lived in this world for many years -- until one day. I remember this day with distinct clarity. The day was cold, dark, rainy, and for all appearances was just a miserable and dreary day. I was meeting an old friend for coffee and arrived at the coffee shop early. I knew what I was going to have to deal with, and was simply building up the fortitude needed to handle what was coming. My friend was one of those people that always had the "good things" happen to her. I don't want to say that she had it easy, she just had the right encouragement, upbringing, temperament, and drive to allow her to succeed -- everything I did not have. It could be emotionally draining to sit, smile, laugh, and talk with her. I was never envious, just bitter. I wanted to scream, but I would smile and laugh jovially to give the illusion of life behind the mask of cold, lifeless eyes. I had become quite the professional at being fake. It was so easy to slip in and out of the character that I needed to be to assure the continuance of my masquerade. Sitting in my car I began to cry, which was something I had not been able to do for a long time. It felt like a dam had been released. There was no warning, no lead-up, nothing that that gave me any indicator that this was my breaking point. My friend pulled up to the front of the building and I watched her get out of her car and walk inside. I sat there just trying to put myself back together. I couldn't appear so broken to her. I collected myself, grabbed my umbrella and trudged through the cold rain and sleet.

Twenty minutes later I found myself in vapid small talk as we discussed the light gossip that we both so dearly (for all appearances) loved, when suddenly I found myself crying without my permission again. Immediately she grabbed my hand and said,

"Honey, what's going on?"

I shook my head and tried to laugh it off as I wiped the Benedictine tears from my cheeks and the corners of my eyes.

"No, I'm not letting you fake it anymore. You need to get out of this. You need to get help. This is NOT healthy for you! You are clearly unhappy, and it's only getting worse. As your friend I'm asking you -- what can I do to help you?"

I stared at her as tears began to well in my eyes yet again. Suddenly I let it all out. Every frustration, every fear, every disappointment, my darkest thoughts, I spoke about my suicide attempts and inclinations, the secret drinking and a million other things. She sat and listened to it all. She helped me take the first steps that day. The first steps to beginning again.

I had abandoned hope of college, of leaving my dead-end job, and my dead-end town, of ever being happy again, of finding love, of finding my smile again, of genuine laughter -- of ever being me again. She listened to me and made me promise to call her every time I started to think about ending my life. She made me fill out college applications, and kept up with me to make sure I was pursuing it.

Two years, a lot of tears, broken friendships, failed counselors, medications and family fights later -- I was beginning college. I was receiving counseling on a regular basis that was constructive and making great strides. I was on medication to help balance my severe depression out, and that has been a very good thing. Now I find myself in a new city, working my dream job, going to school full-time for something that I absolutely love, surrounded by friends, living on my own, and can honestly say that I am genuinely happy. Reaching this point though was the hardest thing I have ever done. I have worked very hard, and been broken so many times. I was homeless, jobless, suicidal, friendless, and on the edge of nothing. Now I find myself on the brink of a whole new life.

Why do I say all of this?Because there were 4 very important things that had to happen for me to be able to step out of the darkness and depression that had consumed me.

1.) I had to allow myself to acknowledge that I needed help. I had denied that I needed help, or that I was even capable of being helped. Denial will get you nowhere. Seek professional help if you feel like you are battling depression. Denial can only make things worse. Counseling and mediation (if prescribed by a professional ONLY) can make all the difference.

2.) I trusted someone to help me. I allowed someone in. I trusted them and opened up to someone and allowed them to help me take the first steps towards healing. I was so deeply rooted in my depression and fear, that I needed someone else to help dig me out. Create a support system of people you can trust. This is key.

3.) I took a chance. I stepped out. I took the necessary steps to remove myself from the negative situation I was in. It was in no way, shape, or form an easy task. It took time, tears, and work. I almost gave up on a daily basis -- and even did several times. Create goals and stick to them. Make yourself something worth fighting for, and never give up. Every small victory makes the next fight a little easier.

4.) I realized that there was a chance for me. Once I began to emerge from the fog of depression that had so deeply engulfed me for so long, it was like watching the sun rise after a long night of storms. The light was faint at first, but I ran to it with an almost desperate hope. I chose to be positive. This was the most difficult thing to do. My go-to response is fear, doubt, anxiety, etc.. I had to make the active effort to choose happiness and positivity over all else. Fight for positivity. Fight for you. Fight for your future. I know what life was like in the storm. I didn't want to stay in that storm. I wanted to feel the warmth of the sun.