Defining Third Culture Kids

So what exactly is a TCK?

Ruth Van Reken, co-author of Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, defines a TCK, or third culture kid, as “a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside their parents’ culture. The third culture kid builds relationships to all the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. Although elements from each culture are assimilated into the third culture kid’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of the same background, other TCKs.” TCKs can also include adults who have grown up as TCKs.

There are many types of TCKs, most notably missionary kids (MKs) and military brats, as they are often called. As a person wanting to learn more about TCKs, you’ll soon discover that there is a broad spectrum of TCKs. On one end, you have TCKs who are practically nationals of the country in which they grew up. They speak the language fluently, dress like the locals, and have lived most if not all their life in the country. On the other side of the spectrum, you meet TCKs who try to distance themselves from their multicultural experiences as much as possible. In extreme cases, these TCKs scorn life outside of their passport country and view their life abroad with contempt. These TCKS obviously have no desire to live the way they do and are relieved to return back to their passport country. I have met both types of TCKs, as well as all of the TCKs that find themselves somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.

The “Home” Dilemma

Many TCKs are very sensitive to the question, “Where is home?” or related questions, such as “Where are you from?” or “Which place that you’ve lived in is your favourite?” You see, TCKs experience life in such a variety of worlds that when we’re asked where home is, we have absolutely no idea how to answer that question. In earlier years, when I found myself faced with the question, “Where are you from?” I would freeze and turn to my parents, pleading with my eyes for them to help me. They would usually name the state in the U.S. where I was born and then proceed to describe our situation as expatriates.

For a long time I, as a TCK, did not know where home was. I finally arrived at a long-awaited satisfactory answer, but for many TCKs, not knowing where home is causes a deeply unsettling feeling that can be very burdening at times. To choose one place out of the many places that we’ve lived to call home is to ignore a significant part of our life. Yet sometimes we just don’t want to tell the whole history of the places we’ve lived because it takes too much time and effort. Believe me, it truly is tiring to have to relate the entire story of where I’ve lived to multiple people. I’ve lived in four countries, six cities, and twelve homes. It takes a lot of effort to tell that story, and honestly, when I’m telling people where I’ve lived, it is plain that some people just don’t care. They meant to create some pleasant small talk by asking me where I was from, and they ended up receiving my five-minute history of homes. I don’t blame them. All they expected was the name of a city and state. Instead, when asked where we’re from, we TCKs not only have to answer the question, but we are also reminded of how complicated home is for us. Thus, to spare both ourselves and our listeners, we sometimes just name the state we were born in or the state we live in while in the United States.

So what can you do as a person who has had a vastly different experience in life from that of a TCK? First of all, I would like to encourage you to be genuinely interested in the answers that TCKs give to your questions. I know that most TCKs love it when a person who is not a TCK appears sincerely interested in the crazy experiences that we’ve had. Instead of making us feel like aliens under a microscope, you give us the pleasure of sharing about our experiences when you make it clear that you are genuinely interested in our lives.

Another thing: don’t feel like we are trying to put you down when we ask you similar questions to the ones you ask us. In other words, please don’t think that we think we’re better than you when we learn that you’ve grown up in the same town your life while we’ve had the privilege of traveling through Western Europe and seeing Roman ruins. Please know that from our perspective, your life is every bit as interesting as our own, if not more so because the concept of growing up in the same town is so foreign to us. We are just as curious about your life as you are about ours.

Sharing our Experiences

I know this does not apply to all TCKs, but I for one absolutely love to share about my experiences about a TCK. They are such a big part of my life, and to ignore them, I feel, is to ignore part of who I am. Being a TCK has affected virtually all areas of my life: my relationships, education, family, perspective, etc….

So please, if you know a TCK, don’t be afraid to ask us questions. We love to answer them, and we also have some pretty good stories to share, whether its about riding a log down the Amazon, hunting for a good pizza place in Venice, or getting lost in Prague. Our TCK experiences are a part of who we are, and when you ask us to share about those experiences with you, we feel honoured and excited that you would allow us the opportunity to do so.

TCK Quirks

Like I mentioned before, we TCKs are a bit strange. We are in raptures when we see Walmart for the first time in four years. We are amazed at all of the free refills. We marvel at water fountains, and we will never understand why the tax is not included in the price given.

Why are TCKs so strange, you might ask. Let me point out two truths: one, we think of Americans and of the United States in a way similar to the way you view TCKs and foreign countries, and two, the typical American and the typical TCK are different from each other.

Just as you may never fully understand a TCK, we TCKs may never fully understand what it means to be a typical American. We appear quirky to you because we are different. So perhaps the best way to highlight this difference is by showing you how the average day of a TCK holds instances that differ from what you have experienced. These differences are what make us appear quirky or out of place and explain why we act differently. Our day-to-day life requires us to develop and apply skills that you may never have to in the United States. So what constitutes the typical day for a TCK? Everyone is going to be different, but I wanted to give you a list of typical activities and the way that I, as TCK, approach them.

Going to the store – As a TCK living in Hungary, I had to be able to read Hungarian, speak in Hungarian, be familiar with the Hungarian currency (Forint), have money for the grocery cart, be used to having my personal space invaded in the checkout line, and remember not to smile at strangers.

Going downtown – Knowledge of public transportation is key in Hungary. You have to be able to travel using trams, buses, trains, taxis, and the metro. You need to know how and where to purchase transportation tickets, and you need to be constantly aware of your belongings and be on the look out for pickpockets. Also, I know that I should not speak loudly in English while traveling, since this could attract unwanted attention and make me a target for pickpockets. This is instinctive for TCKs who have lived in the city.

Going to the restaurant – There are no free refills, you have to pay for water, and all the drinks are served in 100 mL glass bottles. There is no Dr. Pepper or Root Beer, and there is a very specific etiquette when it comes to the placement of your silverware.

These are just some examples of the skills that I needed as a TCK to survive in Hungary. I do not use all of these skills at all times while I am in the United States, even though they are ingrained in me. They are the reason why I may appear a bit quirky to Americans. Now you see that TCKs are thrilled with free refills because they are used to rationing a 100 mL bottle of water throughout the meal. Now you know that TCKs stand really close to you while waiting in queues because that is just how things are in Russia and many other foreign countries. Now you know that TCKs don’t smile to you while they are out walking because in Slavic countries smiles are reserved for friends only. Now you know that TCKs order Root Beer all the time because its not available where they grew up. We may be quirky, but we have a good reason for it.

Relationships

Ah, one of the most complicated topics when it comes to TCKs – relationships. First, let me explain, TCKs approach their relationships in a way that is drastically different from the way of the typical American. As an TCK, my way of beginning and deepening friendships is different from most young adults in the United States. The primary reason for this is that I am more aware of how temporary everything is than most people. Having moved nearly a dozen times, I know that time is precious. Now, I’m not saying that I always make the best of every second that I have, but I am saying that my knowledge that time is short leads my to pursue relationships at a much faster rate than normal. This is true for the majority of TCKs as well. Another blogger by the name of Michele Phoenix developed an excellent diagram that represents how multi-cultural individuals pursue relationships versus how mono-cultural individual pursue relationships.

As you can see, mono-cultural people develop the depth of their friendships as a function of time. Multi-cultural people, however, go deep very fast without relation to time. It is very important for people with mono-cultural backgrounds to be aware of this distinction because it will help them comprehend how TCKs view their friendships. For me, the temptation is to go deep almost right off the bat, but I have to remember that most of the people around me are mono-cultural and, thus, require time to deepen their relationships with others. Thus, don’t be surprised when your relationship with a TCK deepens very quickly. We value relationships, and since we know we don’t have a lot of time, we seek to deepen our relationships as quickly as possible, which is often much faster than the usual rate to which the typical American is accustomed.

Although we TCKs know people from literally all around the world, there are still many of us who are quite isolated. Feeling that they cannot relate and growing hopeless after saying goodbye millions of times, some TCKs just give up on relationships all together. The mentality is, why make new friends when I’m just going to leave again? I’ve been there before, and I can personally say that it is a very hard place to be emotionally and spiritually. We try to protect ourselves from the pain of separation only to inflict upon ourselves the pangs of loneliness and isolation. Sometimes, we are so worn by the strength and energy it takes to start over, that we just don’t invest in new relationships at all.

As an American who knows a TCK, you have the invaluable opportunity to reach out to a TCK, whether he or she be open to making friends or self-isolated. Simple gestures to show you care, such as asking questions about life outside of the United States, can make the world of a difference to a TCK. Don’t hesitate; if you meet or know a TCK already, offer your friendship, or at least show that you are willing to invest time into the TCK’s life. Some of the closest relationships that I’ve had with Americans are with Americans who show a genuine interest in my multi-cultural background and without making me feel out of place, allow me to share as well as discuss similar experiences with them.

This quick beginner’s introduction into the lives of TCKs is by no means thorough. Yet I hoped it help you to understand TCKs, where we come from, and why we are so different. There are so many different kinds of TCKs, so what I’ve written here may not apply to all of them. I do hope, however, that by reading this you have been able to see that there are TCKs who are as eager to hear your story as you are to hear theirs. We are definitely different from the typical American, and we owe that to our experiences. However, it is these differences that allow us to be fascinated by the typical American life, as well as seek out people with whom we can exchange stories and develop relationships. One of the worst feelings a TCK can have is believing that no one cares about them and the story that they have. By asking questions and investing in the life of a TCK, you can show them that their story does indeed matter.