It’s 2016 people! It’s time to face the cold hard fact that the written language is dying. Luckily, the youths of Japan have made a whole new language that requires almost no brainpower to write or understand. I’m talking of course about emojis. Many of you out there will consider yourself too good to debase your elegant prose with images of hands applying nail polish (taken to mean “non-caring fabulousness” or “shutting down the haters”) or pictures of keys, popularized by the great DJ Khaled.
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However, I’m of the “if you can’t beat them, join them” school of thought; so I’m all in favor of this new lingo. Deny all you want, everyone has their favorite emoji -- be it the rocket (for the child within), the eggplant / aubergine (the meaning of which has nothing to do with the species of nightshade grown for it’s edible fruit) or even the pigeon, just because it’s a “well constructed emoji.”
I thought I’d help out the world by giving some brief examples and explanations for XXX-rated emoji speak. Now, I don’t want to draw any radical comparisons, but think of me as a sort of modern day pictorial Samuel Johnson -- compiler of the first Dictionary of the English Language in 1755.
Now this one here is the basic "I had sex" emoji combination. The person appears to have enjoyed his or herself, which is nice for them! Notice the use of the peach meaning female participant and the eggplant to represent the phallus (this can be swapped out for either the banana or the lollipop, if you’re so inclined). FYI: a peach can also mean someone's butt. So watch out, there's a high potential for confusion. Hang in there -- it's like learning any new language.
This lusty lover has chosen to opt for the “let’s get drinks and then we can dry hump” emoji combination! What is this eighth grade? He may be waiting a long time before someone camel-jeans with him.
The sender of this message certainly regrets his or her romantic dalliance. He or she appears to have contracted something unpleasant!
This cloud bandit is inquiring about membership to the Mile High Club!
Uh oh! This person's in a bit of a pickle and appears to be making an emergency run to CVS! Good luck to you.
Emojis are everywhere. Just look at this email below from my 53-year-old father the day before my birthday.
Welcome to the new world!
