When I was fifteen years old I began a decade old secret, which I hid from everyone I possibly could. We all have our little secrets don't we? Mine is not juicy or steamy but very real and it affects my daily routine in ways others could never imagine. I was pretty impressed by myself that keeping it became as easy as it did. My mom, being ever perceptive, picked it up pretty quickly. Soon my sister, with whom I shared a bathroom, easily found the evidence. Then when I was nineteen my caring sister literally hit me between the eyes with a word that enters my mind daily: Trichotillomania.

trichotillomania

noun / tricho·til·lo·ma·nia / tri-kə- ti-lə-ˈmā-nē-ə /

1. : an abnormal desire to pull out one's hair

When I was fifteen I began pulling my eyelashes out. Actually, I know it started much earlier. I remember sitting in 6th grade and without any real thought behind it, would pull lashes from my eyes and small baby hairs from my scalp. But at fifteen, something changed. It became an addicting habit, almost always triggered by stress and the presence of tweezers. What did you do when you were feeling stressed? Some chose to do positive things of self release like running or cooking or reading... I chose a more destructive route. I would genuinely compare the impulse to pulling my eyelashes and the pain release I feel immediately after to someone who cuts their wrists. Although one is a much clearer danger to someone's health, the impulses acted on by both do leave a scarring of sorts on the skin and the mind. My eyelids have bumpy and jagged edges from years of stress pulling. One eyelid has a tendency to droop more than the other, caused by the nerve impulses I can actually feel running through it. Sometimes it will literally jump and dance, all symptoms of stress as well side effects of my stress management pulling. I have noticeable patches where lashes may never re-grow.

Every day in the mirror is a constant battle of whether my eyelashes will make it through the evening or not. As I'm writing this, I have maybe half of my lashes on each eyelid from a session of pulling which happened a few days prior. The release of pulling is quickly outweighed by the responsibility of covering it up. This means lots of eyeliner and extra time added to getting ready each morning. Glasses also help aid in the cover up but it doesn't matter... you will still feel naked. Like anyone can see your little secret on display. It's both terrifying and relieving all in a single emotion.