We all grew up learning not to be so quick to judge people because we have no idea what they could possibly going through. On the outside, they seem perfectly happy. They have a loving family, a great group of friends, and a bright future ahead of them. And what we don't see is what goes on behind that strong front they put up for the rest of the world.

We all go through hard times, and we all deal with it differently.

As for myself, I cry. I don't cry very often, and I never plan on crying. It just happens, and when it does, I cry long and hard for all the things I've kept inside me for who knows how long.

But that's the way it is for many of us. People see that we have such "great lives," and we don't want to worry them with our problems - no matter how small they may be. We think we can handle it ourselves, so we just let our troubles sit within us until one day, we break.

Thursday, May 21, 2015. I broke. Everything that I had managed to bury deep down in my gut for the past year (or longer) hit me like train going full speed. And it felt like everything around me shattered. So I cried, uncontrollably.

I cried for all of my friends who graduated this year. It finally hit me that seeing all of you won't be as easy as it once used to. And it killed me knowing that I never got to personally wish you the best of luck in the real world. It killed me knowing that I had three days of free time between the end of finals and graduation, and I didn't use the time to my advantage. It killed me known that you all took me under your wing, and I didn't take the time to express how grateful I am for your love and kindness.

I cried for all the friends I've lost since I've gone to college. It seems as though everyone else has been able to keep in touch while we've all gone away, and here I am, no longer a part of it all. Maybe I didn't try hard enough to keep in touch. Maybe I became so caught up in my own college experiences in college, I forgot to check up on the friends I grew up with to see how their experiences were going too. Maybe, just maybe, I'm the sole reason for these lost relationships. And seeing that realization right in front of me made me cry harder.

I cried over this long lasting competition I've had with my sister over everything - a competition she doesn't even know exists between us. But it's one I've been fighting for so long, I don't even remember when it came about. My sister is the closest thing to perfect as you could possibly get. She has a wonderful career, works out like a maniac, has an incredible body, and is the most loving, beautiful, intelligent, selfless women I've ever come to know. And that's intimidating, growing up with someone as well and easily liked as my sister. As much as I love her, I strive to be like her, and it finally hit me that I can't. I will never be as smart as she is, as pretty as she is, as dedicated as she is, or have as loyal of relationships as she does. And when all I hear when I'm home is how much she's accomplished and how amazing she looks, it only makes me feel like I'll never be enough.

I cried for the person that I'm not, the person that I could be. No, I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be close to being perfect. I accepted that long ago. But there's always something that I wish could be different about me. I wish I could run faster. I wish I could be skinnier - or at least more toned. I wish I could love more. I wish I could just be happier with the life that I have. And that feeling of self-degradation made me cry longer.

I cried over not being loved and not having someone to love. It was a sad thought when I realized I had no one to call mine. No one to comfort me when something just isn't going right. No one to wake up in the morning for. I see my parents everyday - so in love. And though their jobs prevent them from seeing each other during the week, they still have each other to love and hold on to at night. I see my sister finally with someone who deserves her love, someone who makes her happy each and every day. And then, there's me - the lone wolf. It was the first time that I ever felt truly alone.

And then I cried for this unknown future ahead of me. Though I still have two years before entering the real world, now is the time that I need to start figuring it all out. What do I want to do after graduation? Do I go onto grad school or go straight into a job? Do I want to continue working in the power industry, or do I go and pursue my lost dream of designing prosthetics? Do I even truly aspire to be an engineer, or did I only choose this career path because it seemed like the right thing to do? What if I don't meet the expectations of my parents, sister, or friends? What if I don't meet my own expectations? Do I even have expectations for myself? Not knowing is frightening. It's one of my many fears.

So I cried. I cried until there were no longer any tears left to cry. So I just sat there with my body aching from the physical exhaustion that comes with this kind of crying. And in that moment of exhaustion and humiliation, I realized many more things.

Although my senior friends have indeed left, they've gone to do bigger and better things. Things that I know they will excel at and succeed in. Things that I know will make them happy. Things that I know will make me proud and honored to be their friend.

For my friends from home - they're not all lost. You don't just throw away relationships that you've built for 10+ years. And even if we don't talk like we used to, I know we'll always care and love each other.

And this competition I've worked up with my sister... No matter how hard it is living up to someone as wonderful as she is, she makes me want to be a better person. No matter how hard it is to hear about everything she has done and everything she's about to do, it all makes me work harder. No matter how hard it is to have her as my sister, she has raised me to be the person I am today, and she loves me unconditionally, and I will always be eternally grateful for her.

As for the person that I could be – why does it matter? Yes, I should strive to be a better person, but not to the point where I'm no longer the person I am now. Everything I've done and accomplished up until this day has happened because of who I am. I've endured struggles and pain, but I've also experienced joy and comfort. I'm strong. I'm beautiful. I'm hardworking. I'm passionate. And I found that happiness I'd been looking for.

And while having that one special person to love and to be loved by would be nice, I realized that I have my family, my friends, and a group of 200 sisters in Sigma Kappa to provide all the love I'll ever need in my life. The people in my life who truly care for me will always be there, and they've all loved me more than I could ever deserve. And at that point, I no longer felt alone.

All that's left is my future. No, I don't know what's going to happen, and as frightening as that is, it can also be exciting. I have my whole life ahead of me. I have the opportunity to make it all that I want it to be. Maybe I don't know what it is I want yet, but who really does at the age of 19? And down the road, if I find that I want to do something different, I have the freedom to do so. My life is in my hands. And no matter how much that makes me want to hide in fear, I know that it doesn't matter where I end up in 10, 15, or 20 years. As long as I'm happy, my future will be just fine.

And in that moment - vulnerable, raw - I found the courage to smile again.