Do you hate your existence?
If you said no, click Here and play this game to change that answer to Yes.
"How could a children's game make me hate myself?" you might ask. Well, it may look like an ordinary kids' game by Disney, but be warned, this is no child's game. This game was conceived out of tortured and evil minds. I have beaten Super Hexagon, VVVVVV, Super Meatboy, Contra, Battletoads, and FTL to name a few. Heck I can even get the Kremlin to launch in Tetris! I have been playing video games for the better part of the past 20 years and I haven't found a game as hard as this.
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If you choose to play it, be warned, this is not for the casual gamer, but though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will try and help you beat it.
Level 1 - Eeyore
This level is pretty simple, Eeyore throws the ball, you hit the ball. He will throw 10 baseballs and you have to hit at least 3 out of the park. It sounds easy until you try it. The physics of this game are weird. The green dot on the bat determines the power, the closer the ball is when you hit, the farther it goes. The timing determines where the ball goes, too early and it'll go to the left, too late and it'll go to the right.
Level 2 - Heffalump
Heffalump is the same concept as Eeyore, but throws slightly faster than he does. This time, you have to hit 5 out of the 15 baseballs out of the park. Not too hard.
Level 3 - Piglet
How do arms that small throw so fast? Piglet throws really dang fast. Like, really fast. He would definitely be a Major League pitcher if he wasn't too busy tormenting you and your backwards bat. Good luck hitting the 8 out of 20 balls. This was when I learned that to swing, you can't just click, you have to click and hold for the swing to follow through.
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Level 4 - Kanga & Roo
How about something nice, like beating this crazy duo! The ball acts like the pitchers. Instead of just going straight, it jumps up and down as it goes towards you. Now you have to calculate the exact timing to hit it even further. Also, you are only allowed to miss half of the balls. 12 out of 25 is getting pretty tough, but it's doable.
Level 5 - Rabbit
If you had a mix of Eeyore's and Piglet's pitching in the worst way, it would be Rabbit. In this level, the ball comes with the speed of Eeyore until the ball is halfway to you, then it speeds up to Piglet's speed. How does he break the laws of physics? I think he put a rocket in the ball with a delay. That rocket will cost you many runs. Hopefully you make the 15 out of 29 pitches.
Level 6 - Owl
This is the point where the game starts to become unfair. I spent more time on this bird than the rest of the game up to that point combined. Those 2 hours of trying to get 19 out of 35 homeruns were some of the most frustrating hours of my life. I also learned that in the stage select, the bottom right hand corner has a button where you can buy upgrades that affect your power, your contact, and your speed. Once I upgraded a crapton, I figured out that even with the upgrades it is pure luck. No matter how good your timing is, nothing can prepare you for the awful zig-zag that Owl throws.
Level 7 - Tigger
I used to not hate Tigger. Tigger's pitch is not very fast; in fact, I think it is the same speed as Eeyore's. The difference between Eeyore and Tigger is subtle and you might miss it. Tigger's ball goes invisible. 4.5 hours later, I had all the upgrades and none of the hope. I couldn't even get 10 runs from this guy. This was when I quit out of not anger, not rage, not desperation, but because it made me question existence. I used to not hate Tigger.
Final Level - Christopher Robin
Pray.
