People are always romanticizing the beach. It’s the embodiment of summertime. It’s the day off that we all picture: warm weather, cold drinks and minimal movement required. What everyone seems to forget is that the headaches that come from beach trips almost always outweigh the positives. I imagine it’s similar to how mothers forget the pain of childbirth.

For me it’s not easy to forget (especially due to my semi-permanent sunburn marks), and I refuse to accept that the beach is the best place to waste my summer break.

For Starters, There’s No Good Spot at the Beach.

You’re either going to be too close to the ocean or too far away. There’s always going to be some group of people around you that will feel the need to share their summer playlist with the rest of the beach. You might even get lucky enough to end up next to a game of beach sports involving a ball which is bound to hit someone in the face.

The Seagulls That Never Learned Their Manners.

The birds have no chill. They will not hesitate to dive head-first into your overpriced beach snacks and in return, force you to leave the area in fear of very possible limb/ sub confusion.

The People Are the Worst.

Nothing’s off limits at the beach. The only rule is don’t let the lifeguard see you breaking the rules. This means that there’s going to be stupid people. Maybe it’s going to be some guy who thinks he’s skilled enough to swim father out than any person would ever want to go and end up causing a scene. Maybe it’s a group of teens who decided to day drink, and then let everyone know by acting way drunker than they actually were. You’re guaranteed to encounter at least a handful of beach goers who will make you wish you were anywhere as long as it is away from them.

Creeps Included.

The lack of drinkable water evidently affects men of all ages at the beach; their thirstiness can no longer be concealed. If you’re a woman at the beach, good luck trying to prevent getting hit on by clueless men while also maximizing the extent of your tan.

Just the Ocean in General.

The ocean encompasses so much; there’s a whole other world down there! Chances are you won’t be able see what the ocean has to offer until it brushes up against your leg and scares the living shit out of you. If you’re brave enough you can try to take a peak, but chances are, harsh salt water is going to sting you just as much as the transparent jellyfish will. You’re also going to get saltwater in you’re mouth, a lot of salt water.

And the Sand.

No matter how hard you try, you’re going to get sand where you don’t want it. You can try to prevent the sand from making its way to you by sitting on an elevated chair or keep all of your belongings in sealed containers. Unfortunately, no matter what precautions you take, the sand is going to find it’s way into you, your things, and stick around longer than your tan lines.

Don’t Even Get Me Started on the Heat.

Heat is the best kind of temperature. Only under rare circumstances will I not have a cardigan with me just in case it gets a little nippy. The beach between sun rise and sun set is definitely one of those rare occasions. If you’re spending the day under the at sun, extra clothing is going to be your least concern because chances are the weather is going to end up somewhere between an active volcano and hell.

The Malevolent Sun.

Sure, a little sweat never hurt anybody. What is sure to hurt you is the ultraviolet rays that’ll leave you pink and brimming with regret. Your feelings will range from regret that you didn’t reapply sunscreen, regret that you didn’t splurge for a higher SPF, and regret that you made the decision to even go outside.

This summer and every summer I suggest the pool, or maybe an air-conditioned building. That’s where I’ll be!