Some of you may know what I am referring to when I talk about anxiety being a battle. Many of you do not, and that is precisely my reasoning for writing this. We live in a world of less understanding and more assuming. To have a mental illness is a scary line between reality and the unknown. Not one person's mental illness is alike and therefore isn't accepted to the outside world. Most don't know how to react in order to reach the best outcome. I want the people who love me to know who I am through the good and the bad, and that is my reason for writing this.
Every day is a battle with my brain. Not one day looks alike for someone with anxiety. When I say that every thought races through my head, I literally mean every thought from, "Was she staring at me weird?" to "Did I remember to shut my closet door?" They start at something simple and spiral out of control. Most of the thoughts and worries I have could be completely irrelevant to someone of a "normal" mindset and therefore most cannot relate with me. The worst part of worrying is knowing how pointless these thoughts I'm having are. It is the fact that I can't turn this spiral off that is the worst.
College really heightened my anxiety. I was so excited to move away from home and live on my own, but for me this process has been harder. I have had many new changes, and it has been overwhelming. Anxiety has engulfed my brain on many occasions. I'm really happy to have found people at college that accept me for who I am.
It isn't ideal for me to be on medication. If I could choose so I would not be. To me, having a drug controlling the levels of my brain is bothersome. I would never want to be dependent on medication but in order for me to function to my best, I need it. That is scary. There are other ways to function through the anxiety without medication, but I haven't found one that works for me. I hope some day I can find another outlet to my anxiety without using drugs to control my brain.
Our circumstances create us. My circumstances created a person that is a ball of deep feelings. I think all the way down to the depths of my brain constantly. I can't run away from what I think about. I can't run away from my worries. I need to live through these thoughts logically. I want people to know that these things I cannot control. I can't turn off these worries. I'm not thankful for my anxiety, but I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for the soul that has been created through my anxiety. I am self-aware. I am thoughtful. I am creative. I am strong. So, I may have a battle to fight, but I'm doing a damn good job.
