If you're like me, you might think a lot about where you decide to use the restroom, and there are a lot of factors that go into it. Maybe you like a crowded space with a lot of movement, or a barren space. However you like it, here is a list of the best places to pee on NC State's campus. Factors included in this analysis were: space, stall availability, overall comfort, likeliness to run into someone who you identify with, and ease & access.

Best places to pee:

2nd Dabney/Cox, Bostian 2722, Maryanne Fox Teaching Labs, D.H. Hill Library, any STEM building

By far the best places to pee, everyone wants a bathroom where they feel alone, quiet, and out of place at the same time, exactly what you will get in the STEM buildings, as well as Maryanne Fox Laboratories. With the low population of non-male students taking STEM courses at NC State, you're sure to never encounter a line in the bathroom! Similarly, with the erasure of non conforming students, and bathrooms built before the Americans with Disabilities Act (1990), your pee speed will increase tenfold as you hasten your bathroom trip to get out of that uncomfortable space.

Now, on to 2nd Dabney/Cox and Bostian 2722, where the closest bathrooms are a short, 2-4 minute trip outside. Everyone loves taking a brisk walk in the North Carolina cold, and it really helps soak up so much information.

Lastly, D.H. Hill, the best place to pee for our physically disabled friends. The great thing about Hill is its multifaceted architecture, that made it oh-so impossible to add a bathroom to its base floor. (Bathrooms aren't even a necessity, my ancestors peed outside.) Adding a bathroom to it's 2nd level ("1st floor") means that everyone (yes, even you person who uses crutches) gets to ascend a flight of stairs (or wait for the exuberantly leisurely elevator) to the 1st floor. To my friends, specifically with non-visible nervous/musculoskeletal disabilities, (say fibromyalgia,), you get the greatest gift of all -- judgmental glares from the people using the elevator to get to floors 4, 5, or 6-plus.

Worst places to pee:

Sullivan Hall, Talley, Withers

Whatever you do, don't pee in these places. Sullivan and Withers make their bathrooms much too accessible. With an open entry into the Sullivan Hall lounge space from 7 a.m. - 12 a.m., and the spacious, genderless, single-stall bathrooms, it's almost way too comfortable and easy for anyone to pee. It's almost as if using the restroom shouldn't be defined as possible or impossible, depending on the way you were born, or what happened to you along the way. Withers is similar. With multi-stalled bathrooms (still fortunately configured to the irrelevant meaning of gender), that are wide, even our wheel-chair-aided peers can use the bathroom! I mean, what's the point of democracy and capitalism if I can't be willingly blind to others struggles, thus choosing whether they have a right to bathroom usage.

Talley is probably the worst of them all. With a mix of single-stall bathrooms on every floor, spacious gendered bathrooms, working elevators, AND community spaces on the 4th floor that give out a variety of resources to students for free. It even borders on being inclusive and a space where weird, status-quo-fighting students can actually be proud of their identity, without worrying about facing ridicule, or existence out of their own controlled spaces being a hassle.

Weird.

If you've made it to this point, I hope you've realized this is satire. NC State University's campus does a half-a** job of making students feel almost included in the community. In order for us to actually reach the inclusion that admissions, housing, and administration promise for us, the university has to look at seemingly irrelevant things (like bathrooms) to make that a possiblitiy.