Going to the beach has always been a rather nerve racking experience for me. My earliest memories are chalk full of lengthy sun burns, sand everywhere and I mean everywhere, like places no one should mention, goopy sun block and a deathly fear of sharks. So I never understood why people loved going to the beach. To me, it seemed more like a painful chore than anything else. Yet as I got older my worries about going to the beach began to change and turn inward on myself. My fears circulated around my looks.
Most everyone has seen or received the Victoria's Secret swim suit catalogue. Flipping through the glossy pages I always thought, "Hmm I don't look like that..." I've always been a curvy girl and I could blame genetics, but the truth is I love food, but I don't love the gym—I'm still working out that balance. Needless to say when swimsuit season arrived and my New Year's Resolutions had failed me for the millionth time, the thought of slipping into any bathing suit seemed daunting.
I've owned two bikinis in my life and neither of them lasted very long. Eventually I tucked them into the back corners of my drawer and stuck with tankinis, one pieces or never got out of my cover up. The stress and anxiety that took place every time I got ready to go to the beach got to the point where I felt I shouldn't even bother going. I tried several different styles of bathing suits to ease my worries. I tried two pieces that had skirts so I could cover my legs, I tried sliming one pieces that felt more like water resistant spanx, I even tried plunging necklines so that focus would be on my chest. I think I got to the point where I was so exhausted I put my anxieties aside momentarily and just jumped in. Though the worry of what others thought of my body in a bathing suit has never really left me. Recently, however, I did experience a freeing moment at the beach I will not soon forget.
I had gone the whole summer without going to the beach and it felt like my summer couldn't be complete without having sandy toes at some point. A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I decided to take a weekend off and head to the beach. We drove up to Massachusetts' North Shore, just north of Boston to Crane Beach. According to Google, Crane Beach is a popular beach on the outskirts of the small town Ipswich. The beach offered five miles of soft sand, cool bay water, hiking trails and a historic mansion that sat on the cliffs overlooking the water. It was just what my summer needed. When we arrived to the sandy parking lot it was a perfect day, 84 degrees, low wind, no clouds and lots of sun. We found a quiet spot towards the end of the beach, since the middle was packed with families and lots of screaming kids. I put my beach towel down, removed my shorts and shirt, took a deep breath in and found some serenity in the landscape.
I'm not very good at sitting on the beach soaking in the sun for long periods of time, I get restless. So I popped up and began to people watch. It's one of my favorite things to do. As I watched the pairs and small groups of people walk by I began to notice everyone's body. And it was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced.
On the beach I saw men and women all different shapes and sizes, with an array of bathing suits on walk by. I kept think, "Wow! Good for them, I could never do that." But the more I looked at the people showing off their bellies and not hiding their legs I realized something—their faces. They were all smiling. And it hit me; no one cared what they looked like or more importantly what anyone else looked like. They were all here to enjoy the beautiful day, the soft sand and cool water. I thought what a beautiful sight! A smile on a beach is much more stunning than any section of the Victoria's Secret catalog.
Moments later, I leaned forwards to stretch my back and I heard a "snap!" I then felt the top of my bathing suit begin to slide away from me. The top piece of my bathing suit is held up by an inch wide band that clipped in the middle. The plastic clip had snapped. Panic ran through my face and a wave of insecurities passed through me. I was mortified, though no one else seemed to notice except my boyfriend, I was terrified of accidentally flashing a family with small children, or exposing more of my body than I was ever comfortable with. As my boyfriend helped keep my top up, I grabbed my shirt and tactfully placed it over me and removed my bathing suit. I looked at the broken clip. To feel better I quickly told myself that the clip couldn't handle my awesome rack and it obviously didn't break because I haven't been to the gym in a while. I chuckled to myself, but still fell a little self-conscious.
After I was settled into my new look I joked with my boyfriend that I wouldn’t be swimming today, he laughed and then suggested we go for a walk. I honestly didn't want to move. I was wearing a brick red crop top with a turquoise bathing suit bottom and the look wasn't exactly flattering. A bit of my tummy was showing and my chest wasn’t exactly secured. I then remembered everyone's smiles on the beach and that no one was going to care what I looked like. So I took a deep breath, sat up and walked up and down the beautiful beach not worrying about my looks. I was such a freeing moment and allowed me to fully enjoy the day. I will always have that day with me and that feeling of being free from my body and my thoughts. I have a feeling next summer will be a little more enjoyable.
