Life after an abusive relationship isn't what one may think it would be. You tell yourself that it will never be you in that type of relationship. That if a man or woman were to ever treat you poorly, you would walk away in a heartbeat. The next thing you know, your "relationship" that began in sweet bliss is now on it's last leg and you're sitting in your car bawling your eyes out, knowing you aren't mentally prepared to go inside your home quite yet. The day comes that you wake up and realize that you have finally had enough and you end things with your significant other. While it hurts like hell letting go of someone you still love dearly, you know it is ultimately for the best.
At first the only consequences of the relationship itself is that you're now hesitant to try another one again. You know you have been to the darkest pits of hell and that you can really get through anything, but that thought still doesn't comfort you much. For those of us that have gone through abusive relationships, we know that the aftermath is much more than movies or books try to portray it. We don't just build up some walls and go on with our lives, hoping that one determined person will break them down and help give us self worth again. I wish it were that easy. The truth is I would be more than happy to try again with someone new, but I see my ex in everyone.
I see him in the guy who gets annoyed too easily with our waitress that's just trying to do her job. I see him in the dad who smacks his child across the face for no reason other than the child was annoying his father. I see him in my coworker who jokingly tries to pretend to choke me because I'm being stupid. He's in the guy who gets road rage and starts cussing out strangers around us. I cannot get away from him or the memories I associate with him.
I can no longer watch any type of video where a man screams at a girl to the point she is sobbing or a man lets his anger take over him and he attacks the woman. I first noticed this when I would go to KTV (karaoke tv) with my friends and the music videos would make me want to cry if I noticed signs of abuse. It was not until I had a meltdown from seeing a guy friend of mine berate a stranger for almost hitting him while crossing the street that I realized my last relationship had hurt me more than I initially thought. I stayed up the rest of the night crying because all I could think about were the times I was on the ground sobbing while my ex boyfriend explained all the ways I was a worthless human being.
People like to joke around that certain words or actions trigger other people, but there is absolutely nothing funny about not wanting to leave my bed because the memories hurt so badly. There is nothing funny about not being able to breathe because the wrong response forces me to take a walk down memory lane. One day I'm sure seeing a person lose their temper won't cause me to bawl my eyes out. Until then, I will continue walking around with a smile on my face and love in my heart for everyone. I will be the love I didn't receive.
