"My darling,

You are only human,

and you are allowed to make mistakes.

You are allowed to fall apart sometimes.

You are allowed to hurt and feel pain too much.

You are allowed to ache and get jealous.

Be easy on yourself, and let yourself grow.

Let yourself learn.

Let yourself be.

You are only human,

and you are allowed to make mistakes."

Nikita Gill

I repeat these words to myself as yet another awe-inspiring

sunset drifts downward, barely captured by (what I consider to be) my disappointingly low-quality iPhone camera capabilities.

Because imagine what I could do if I changed the white balance. Adjusted the ISO. Modified the focal point. Tweaked the f-stop.

I know these words will mean nothing to most people- jargon, technobabble, a foreign, computerized language. Which it is if you truly want to break it down.

I barely consider myself an artist. Yes, photography is an art, but no, I'm not an artist. But also don't water me down to an enthusiast.

I'm a bad photographer, that's all.

Please do not see these words as casting my net for quick, half-hearted compliments. This isn't about the work I produce or dissatisfaction with myself. My quality is adequate, not awful, but also not what I'm aspiring for. It's a work in progress.

I'm a bad photographer because weeks will go by without my dear camera 'Ella' (the backstory for that name is for another time- sing "camera ella" to the tune of Rihanna's Umbrella and you'll catch on) being reintroduced to sunlight and falling leaves and my sweaty nose pressed against the glass.

I don’t mean to neglect my passion so. It’s just that my classes are time-consuming, I need to go to the gym, nobody really wants to see my pictures but me, I’m hungry, I feel like an impostor out there, I can just wait until I finally am able to take the photography class, I really need a nap, my laundry basket is spilling over, I need a new camera and lens, none of my friends are free to model for me, and I still haven’t edited these pictures I took a month ago.

I do love photography, really. I don't know why I can't bring myself to take pictures nowadays. Call it a lack of motivation, call it a slump, call it a dry spell, call it writer's block for a photographer, call it whatever you like. Maybe one day, if I’m ever paid to take pictures for a living, I can be better at doing this- whatever this is. In the meantime I’ll continue ignoring my laundry in favor of eating snacksize Halloween candy after the gym.