I don’t love having my picture taken, especially at a point in my life where I am much, eh, “thicker” than normal & have a really dumb haircut. However, I didn’t expect to honestly have NO idea what I actually look like.

I mean, I knew things were a little fishy through my eyes. One of my male friends & I always play this game where I point out women who I think have a similar body shape to mine. I NEVER guess right.

But - I didn’t have any idea how bad it was until I finally created a Bitmoji. You know - those weird little customized cartoons that are always doing funny things. I think it started on facebook or something - & everyone had their bitstrips replacing images of their actual selves. Anyway, all of my friends’ look identical to themselves. It’s really insane. In fact, before 1 week ago, I thought the app custom created your character based on a photo you submitted or something. Like, a line drawing or some posterize shit.

That is not how it works.

Instead, you have to choose every aspect of your Bitmoji’s appearance. I’m not talking face shape, hair color basics either. The app even wants you to decide where to put the wrinkles on your face. WRINKLES. Wrinkles will not deter me. I want a custom cartoon to live in my snapchats & salesforce tickets. Let me walk you through it.

Step 1 - Choose A Style

Bitmoji vs Bitstrips. I’m not really sure what to do here, but the Bitstrips version looks less chubby, so I’ll pick that one.

Step 2 - Face Shape

There are 9 options, & honestly - I have NO IDEA which one is mine. I’ll pick the sphere.

Step 3- Skin Tone

Obvi the whitest one. It is winter. Don’t act like you’re that caramel colored bronze.

Step 4 - Hair Color

Wait. What color is my hair after chemo? Ash grey. Ash grey isn’t an option listed. I’ll pick a “universal” lighter brown.

Step 5 - Hair Length

I’m happy bald is an option. I’m also happy whacky is an option. Either way, my avatar now looks very similar to the man I sit next to at work instead of myself.

Step 6 - Hair Type

Chemo curls is not an option. Is it a wave? Is is a curl? I alternate between roughly 20 options & pick the one that looks the least like an afro & more like fresh puppy fur.

Step 7 - Jaw

What happened to the the whole oval, square, heart options? These are not listed. I don’t know what to do. There are 6 variations of the heart.

Step 8 - Eyebrows

I have to choose between 2 pages of options. Somehow, I end up with the brows of a villain.

Step 9 - Eyebrow Color

Don’t worry - pink is an option.

Step 10 - Eyes

Are there really this many eye shapes? All of the makeup tutorials I’ve watched say no.

Step 11 - Eyelashes

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

Step 12 - Pupils

No, now I’m just angry.

Step 13 - Eye Color

Finally! Something I know the answer to!

Step 14 - Nose

Default option seems same.

Step 15 - Mouth

Why do all these options have an arrow drawn through the center?

Step 16 - Ears

The lobes aren’t connected. This is all I know.

Step 17 - Earrings

They have no ear climbers. Gross.

Step 18 - Eye Details

Oh, good. They’ve got an option to emphasis the bags underneath my eyes.

Step 19 - Cheek Details

No dimples on this face. Too fat.

Step 20 - Face Lines

Going with the most haggard-looking option. At 30, ya girl is WEATHERED.

Step 21 - Blush

Did they borrow this color palette from MAC?

Step 22 - Eyeshadow

There is not a smokey eye combo to add? Amateurs.

Step 23 - Lipstick

Hallelujah.

Step 24 - Glasses

Am I reading? ...Or just existing?

Step 25 - Headwear

I’m glad they know I can’t leave the house without a bandana - for fear the world will not know I am a girl.

Step 26 - Hair Accessories

Wait. Is this not the same thing as headwear?

Step 27 - Build

UGH. this is just like when internet dating sites want to know your body type. Again, I pick the sphere to match my face. Consistency!

Step 28 - Chest Size

Let me get that L.

Step 29 - Pick Outfit

This section had me feeling like I need to commit a crime. I grab the all-black option that shows the least amount of skin.

After your 30 stress-free steps, you’ll have a cartoon that looks… nothing like yourself. It should be questioned if I own a mirror or not. Because - real talk - I have no idea what I actually look like.