Hello. It's me.
I have returned from the dead to bring all the bad advice you didn't need or read! Since I haven't written anything in forever, and none of you submit your problems to me anyway, I have zero advice to give (#sad!). But, alas, since I am a creative genius who is full of ideas, and part of this advice column involves me telling people how to live their lives, I'm doing just that this week! Inspired by my own #BABA sabbatical (my #BABAtical if you will), here's are various ways you can announce you're back even though you never left in the first place.
1. Make a Facebook status.
Ahhhh, the classic way to announce something! On the Internet for hundreds of people you don't really know! A Facebook status is a really convenient way to tell everyone you are returning from a fake sabbatical because it covers all the bases of people you need to tell: your mom, your friends from high school, your college friends and all the people you hooked up with who decided they wanted to be your Internet friend. Even though they don't return your texts, maybe they will see you're "back" and finally ask you out for drinks or maybe a real date if they're feeling ~adventurous~.
2. Throw a party for yourself and only invite yourself.
Hey, it's your return! No one noticed you left in the first place, so the only person worthy of attending your coming back party is yourself. Just imagine how much money you'll save on alcohol and snacks since it's a party of one. And, in connection with number one, make sure you make a Facebook event, or else it's not a real party.
3. Go to a social function with your friends and scream "I'M BACK, BABY!" periodically even though you never left in the first place.
In case number one doesn't work and you haven't finished planning out the logistics of number two, then this should do the trick of letting your close circle of friends know you are back and here to stay even though you've been here the entire time. Preferred places to enact number three include: the bar, in the middle of the street, a Taco Bell and in the outdoor and recreation aisle at Kmart.
4. Blast "I'm Back" by Eminem wherever you go.
The Real Slim Shady knew what was up back in 2000, and he still knows 17 years later. Also, this is a bop so people won't look at you strange when you blast this in the middle of your two-and-a-half hour night class.
5. Travel in a makeshift time machine.
Because if no one noticed you were gone (even though you never left), you can blame it on the fact you were out traveling time and space and not on the fact you've been feeling a little introverted the past couple of months and you just needed some time for yourself.
If any of these five helpful tips don't work, I'm sorry, you truly are really bad at everything, just like your disapproving parental guardian said that one time.
If you'd like bad guidance for your pressing personal problems, submit them here!
