I am on a journey inside myself trying to figure out the root of my emptiness and sadness. I was thinking that I had a soul full of fire, passion which would fuel me to fight through my issues and being in the state of mind of positivity. I believe that I am just a lost guy looking for happiness. Lost because there seems to be almost nowhere for me to fit into this world, whatever path in life I feel as if I should take seems right, I don't see myself being with my friends for too long, don't see myself living to an old age. It is like through all my experiences that have happened to me have cut me so much, my soul has many scars that re open and begin to bleed again. I always wonder how to stop the scars from re opening and bleeding. The thought that crosses my mind is that if I start to drink a lot then the feeling would just go away, or if I fall asleep when I wake up then I would feel better, talk to anyone that seems like they had the answer that I was seeking, talk to a counselor, a friend and just anyone that is there to listen. The thing that I hope for is maybe that they can understand me and help me end my suffering, but this internal pain is something that never seems to go away. None of this works to save me from my own abyss of hell that resides in the darkest corner of my soul. The pain is all internal, the pain is the darkness that keeps me down. It is why I sometimes look forward to sleeping because just for awhile it stops all of the negative thoughts rolling around in my head and stops me from replaying the moments of all the emotional pain I have been through. Looking back being different and the negative people keeping me down probably plays a huge part in my internal pain because it has stayed with me for this long. My tortured soul is just condemned to the depths of hell, all I have is this scarred soul cursed by the devil. Nothing will drive me to happiness, and in all honesty I have grown too used to my self loathing and my damaged soul. Part of me wants it to be fixed and another part wants it to stay the way it is. Is it because I feel as if I deserve it? Is it because I have given up and I am just waiting for my time to end? Is it because I like being in pain and lost?
Even in my darkest moments, my mind still had a little sliver of hope. There is still a lot of time needed to search for the answer to fixing my soul. It may have scars on every inch of it but I believe this damaged soul can be fixed or can be lived with someday.
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