First thing's first, Joelle (Jojo) Fletcher is disgustingly perfect. Other than her raging boner-filled looks, she seems to be super cool and someone I would hang with on the reg. She’s the kind of chick who would totally take shots from my belly button while flashing the bartender for free drinks, but then I would also trust her alone with my kids on a Friday night. She’s a super sweet badass with a rockin’ hot bod; she even makes sitting alone staring into an abyss look way less awkward than it usually does. Twelve seasons later, and ABC still insists that lonely walks on the beach are super sexy. How about instead of all these awkward shoots of them having life changing epiphanies, you put that time and money in doing more thorough background checks on these guys?! Nevertheless, I hope Jojo finds her unicorn (someone should really break the news to her that they don’t exist, along with the tooth fairy and Santa). Finally, the testosterone-filled limo pulls up, and it’s time to meet the men, the boys, and the “what the hell are yous.” Here are the ones that stood out, and not necessarily for good reasons:
1. Jordan, the Former Football Player
Yes. So much yes. He’s still yummy even though his entire intro is him crying over how much cooler his older brother is. He talks about how he lost the love of his life because he loved football more, and he’d rather be spanking his teammates asses in the locker room. He was too busy playing with (foot)balls, so she stopped playing with his. “I’m hoping that I’ll be Jojo’s number one draft pick,” oh, come on, it’s too early for corny lines like that.
2. Alex, the Marine
Aw he’s so cute, and I mean this despite the fact that he looks super short and compact. Seriously his backpack is probably bigger than he is. His intro consists of him being the awkward third wheel for his hotter twin brother who should also definitely be competing for Jojo’s heart. It wouldn’t be the first time ABC brought hot twins competing for the same person. Remember how well that worked out? Ha ha ha. Honestly if they brought both men I would say screw this whole thing and just have them both in the back parking lot. But, that’s just me.
3. James S., the Bachelor Superfan
I feel like I don’t need to roast you myself because your entire intro consists of you embarrassing yourself with your bachelor watching parties talking to a picture of Chris Harrison. You also probably didn’t help your case by announcing that your mommy was calling you- I would assume it was time for her voluntary sponge bath. Thank you for making my job way easier.
4. Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist
Are you sure you didn’t mean to be a contestant for The Bachelor instead? Considering you chose to devote your career towards helping men with weiner issues, part of me thinks you’ll be slightly disappointed here. “A lot of my job is getting men excited; it’s a hard business, it’s draining.” Too many innuendos for me to even handle. He was getting an erection just talking about his job. At least if the other guys have issues with their limp genitalia, maybe he can offer a hand. Ha ha ha innuendos.
6. Daniel, the Canadian
“Damn Jojo, back at it again as the new Bachelorette” oh my god please no. I didn’t know they allowed middle schoolers to be on this show. Also, tell your eyebrow lady she waxed them too thin- 10/10 DO NOT recommend. You look and act like you’re approximately thirteen years old, especially when you get “white Canadian wasted” later on. “If I was gay, I would be in paradise.” Uhm, I think it’s best I bite my tongue on that one.
And now for my favorite notable quotes of this episode:
“He’s like, "uhh I’m a military guy; I’m gonna do pushups with a girl on my back," and I’m gonna be like "uh no, you look stupid; stop".” -Chad
"These guys are playing the super sensitive guy card here, "I’m afraid", "I have feelings", shut up.” -Also Chad. I think that I hate you already.
“I give you permission to squeeze my balls.” I kind of want to squeeze them because that was really stupid but also because you’re super hot.
“I didn’t think I was gonna kiss anyone” that’s what they all say about three seconds before they’re tongue deep in someone's throat, Jojo.
“I’m not gonna do what Ben did to you last season; I’m not gonna fall in love with two girls; I’m gonna fall in love with you.” Way to rub salt on an open wound, ass hole.
“So, I heard you’re from Texas. I’ve never been down there cuz I’m from Canada.” Oh, I didn’t know Canadians don’t know what traveling is.
“For some reason Daniel thought he could just poke my belly button. It must be some sort of Canadian greeting.” I guess Canadians don’t know how to travel or how to properly greet people.
“I’ve had one fireball, two tequilas, two vodkas...I’m not a drinker myself.” That’s also what I tell my mom.
“I’m half Chinese, half Scottish, but luckily for me, I’m half Scottish below the waist...I’m not wearing any panties.” You couldn’t pay me enough to play his bagpipes.
“Let's get naked, anyone can look good in a suit right, let’s see what you look like with nothing on.” Something tells me he and the Erectile Dysfunction specialist will get along really well.
“Olivia got the first impression rose last season, and she got left on an island.” LOL TRUE.
This rose ceremony is way too intense. I bet if they didn’t play the overly dramatic music in the background it would be less dreadful to watch. DAMN Daniel got the last rose. She couldn’t possibly look more pissed that the producers made her.
