Aziz Ansari was the most recent in a line of famous people hit with sexual assualt or sexual misconduct allegations. This one hit me where it hurts. I love Aziz's work, especially Master of None. After we watched the second season, my girlfriend and I walked around saying allora for 2 weeks. I heard about the allegations and I felt like I was in denial. No. Not My Aziz.

I read the account, as well as some of the articles that responded to it. The account did not put him in a good light. The woman said she felt violated, and that it had taken a really long time for her to validate this as sexual assault. Damn.

At the same time, another article from the Atlantic reframed the original article, saying that Aziz did not deserve what happened to him. The author said that the girl who made the allegations,

"tells us that she wanted something from Ansari and that she was trying to figure out how to get it. She wanted affection, kindness, attention... He wasn’t interested. What she felt afterward—rejected yet another time, by yet another man—was regret. And what she and the writer who told her story created was 3,000 words of revenge porn. "

I felt conflicted and didn't know entirely what to think. To help me work through this and understand the situation a little better, I had a chat with my girlfriend, Kayla.

Warren: I think that the author of the Atlantic article has a point in the quote above. The date wasn't going the direction this woman wanted it to go. Is this a case of a woman scorned, a man who made inappropriate advances, or both?

From the account it appears clear that Aziz wasn't reading the signs she was sending him, so why didn't she leave? Where do we as a society draw the line with sexual assault and sexual misconduct? Who am I to judge? It isn't my place to belittle this woman's experience. What do you think?

Kayla: So why didn’t she leave you ask? I think yes, I understand what you're saying, because it is easy to call an uber and he did not rape her and was not physically forcing her to stay, but why is that the question that we are asking?

What is hurtful for me is that, and I respect this woman's perspective (the author of the Atlantic article), she had two near date rape experiences, but in her sharing of that I feel like she may be trying to compare the experiences and trying to belittle the experience of the woman telling the story.

I love Aziz. I am not trying to defend her or him because I don't know what happened. Neither do you, neither does the author of this Atlantic article, but I don’t think that’s the right question. Why didn’t this woman feel empowered enough to leave? How can we create a world where she feels empowered enough to leave, what are we teaching our men where they feel like this should be the standard?

Warren: I hear you. Why is this the question we are asking? I feel like, part of the way society portrays men, and from my personal perception growing up, the expectation is that men go on dates to have sex. I don’t want to say girls should just expect that because they shouldn’t, they deserve better.

At the same time, it seems important to be aware that some guys are like that. In this instance, it seemed that, with the vibe this girl was getting from Aziz, you have to be aware. Still, more broadly, why should this be the standard, and, in the case of the author of the Atlantic article, what do we get from tearing each other down?

Kayla: It’s just ridiculous. I'm reminded of what I've learned about slavery - while recognizing that this is a different issue and should be treated as such. When white men were enslaving Black people and searching for ways to keep them enslaved, they learned how to pit people against each other. We saw that with house slaves and slaves in the field, pitting them against each other in an attempt to avoid an uprising.

To me this creates an environment that pits women against each other, weak versus strong. The second to last sentence makes me mad.

"Apparently there is a whole country full of young women who don’t know how to call a cab, and who have spent a lot of time picking out pretty outfits for dates they hoped would be nights to remember."

I don’t know know if I know how to call a cab, but I know how to call an Uber; I like to wear pretty outfits to dates and I consider myself a strong woman, but I know there have been instances I have felt like I don’t know what will happen if I say no, do I want to say no, do I want to say yes? And yeah I wish I had the tools to say that in the moment or the confidence in the moment. I don’t know if I did.

Warren: In this instance, with Aziz, how should we feel about this guy? Should we excoriate him for doing something most men think is okay? Is he a victim of the norms of a society where many men haven't been taught something better?

At the same time, he is a grown man who should understand when a woman is uncomfortable with what's going on. What do you think of the statement he put out?

Kayla: For the first part of your question, I think about restorative justice, where we try to communicate when the time is right and figure out what would make this right again for the victim. The person who was hurt in that moment has to set the groundwork to work towards reparations.

As for his statement, I liked it, it sounded honest. He said he wasn’t aware that the woman felt this way and how he had been hurtful, and in the moment, he responded to her text and didn’t try to ignore her. Maybe the question we need to be asking too is how are you not aware? How do we fix this?

What will it take for this woman to feel like she has been heard? What would it take for all women to feel like they have been heard and the wrong has been righted? I also struggle with the fact that its not our job to decide if she is right and if we should listen to her, and what should happen to Aziz, and who’s job is it. I don't know. What are your thoughts?

Warren: When I first start writing down my thoughts, I realized that what a part of me wanted to say was it wasn't that bad. When you hear yourself say that out loud though it is like holy cow, this is a precarious line to walk.

I know this time with Aziz has been controversial for a lot of people, but I don't want to get in the habit of discounting the allegations of a woman and the courage it took to go public in the first place. Discounting women is how we got here in the first place.

Kayla: I think about the woman who wrote the article in the Atlantic, and how she was talking about girls these days as weak or not being able to call a cab or not being able to do this or that. Instead of putting energy into that, into criticizing, I am going to put energy into building up. It's time to put our energy in a different place.