Odds are that if you're reading this right now, you are probably Catholic, and you've definitely experienced no less than seven excruciatingly awkward, knee-slappingly funny or terribly embarrassing Catholic situations. (I'm not sure what else to call them, except that they're Catholic, and they are situations.) Here are nine very relatable situations that cradle and convert Catholics alike have had to painstakingly endure.
1. The involuntary "and with your spirit" that comes out of your mouth on Star Wars Day.
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"May the Fourth be with you" sure does sound an awful lot like "May the Lord be with you." Upon hearing this, you definitely raise your arms in the air slightly and respond "And with your spirit." In case of emergency, never break eye contact. Own it.
2. Not only forgetting the response, but also yelling it as loudly as scientifically possible.
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It has been scientifically proven that the utterance of something at an inappropriate time is directly proportional to its loudness; i.e., if you say "Amen" at the wrong time, every human on Earth who are Catholic will undoubtedly hear you.
3. Convulsing like you're having an exorcism because you thought of something funny during Mass.
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And it's always during the super quiet parts of Mass. Bonus points if you can not only successfully stifle your laugh, but also manage to not be smiling like the Grinch with your shoulders shaking up and down. Honestly, why does the brain do this to us?
4. Having absolutely zero clue what line to get in for Communion.
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People are coming from all directions, towards you and away from you, and you have to do the awkward small shuffle as you attempt to find the nearest Eucharistic minister who may offer you a glace of reassurance, to let you know that you're going in the right direction.
5. When you give someone the Sign of Peace but it's the weakest thing you've ever felt...
Honestly, what is the point of making it seem like you want to shake my hand if you're just going to grab if with the very tips of your fingers? I'd be less offended if you grabbed my hand with a pair of tongs than whatever the h*ck that lame move was.
6. …. or when you can't figure out who to shake hands with next, and it turns into a bunch of collisions.
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You just stand there with your hand sticking into the middle of crowd waiting to be acknowledged. All you want is peace, and someone to wish that upon you.
7. Toiling for months for the perfect confirmation name, only to realize that it will never be spoken again after your confirmation day.
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I really thought the birth certificates were going to come back out, there was going to be a big name change celebration, and that on that day, I would announce to the world the new addition to my name.
As it turns out, that is not the case. It's not on my license, nowhere official. Only a handful of other Catholics have asked me my confirmation name in the 5 years since my confirmation. Why is this not a bigger deal? That being said, I really love my confirmation name. (It's St. Gianna, the patroness saint of mothers and physicians. Shoutout to my mom for being the reason I chose her- I aspire to be as wonderful of a mom as you!)8. The strange and seemingly unanimous hatred held towards Confession.
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I really do not enjoy going to Confession at all, I'll admit it. However, I always feel better after the fact, because I know that I've done something good. I think it has a lot to do though with the fact that we're introduced to it at a young age, and often are required to go as part of the requirements for First Communion. On the other hand, it's definitely good practice to gain experience with it in your older years.
Either way, it literally does feel exactly like you are being sent to the Shame Cube, as seen in this lovely GIF right above. But, look at it this way; you'll be sin free when you come out!
9. Having little knowledge about the books of the Bible or where certain verses are located.
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It's not like you don't know anything, but just that typically your exposure to the Bible is at Mass during the readings and Gospel, and so there isn't really much reason to bring a Bible with you.
True story: I saw the word "Habakkuk" for the first time fairly recently and thought it was some kind of exotic food. It's actually a book in the Old Testament. Who knew?
That's all for this week, but keep an eye out for Part Two next week! Until then, happy Catholic-ing!
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