Keeping weight off in college is pretty simple. I didn’t say it was easy, but the concepts I am about to give you aren’t anything mind boggling. Hopefully, you will read this and ask for a refund, but for those of you who just need an extra kick in the ass to fight off the freshman 15, I offer you my tough love.

1. You will exercise

“But, I don’t have time for the gym.” Right, I forgot the 3 hours of napping, Netflix, and repeatedly opening and closing social media apps were required for your class in Turdology. “I don’t know how to work the machines” You’re lying. “I don’t like people staring at me in the gym.” Then exercise in your dorm room. Working out releases endorphins, endorphins make you happy. So get off your ass.

2. You will not drink alcohol

Cool it over there Captain Morgan, I’m kidding. I know, you’ve been liking their Instagram pics for months and the only way you’ll talk to them is with a little bit (a lot) of liquid courage. In order to make sure your wardrobe doesn’t jump up a size, mix your drinks with things like tonic water, lime juice, or light cranberry juice, and don't knock chasing with water until you've tried it. You're too soft to take it straight, so avoid high sugar drinks like soda and Gatorade because you are already averaging around 80 calories per shot. Prepare a decently healthy meal before you go out so you can stumble in and heat that up instead of ordering 3 double pant rippers, 2 sides of regret, and an extra large cry in the morning.

3. You will not abuse fat burners

You’re going to take the fat burner and get fatter. “Oh I took my Super Lard Loser 3500XXX, surely I can now top everything with queso!” No Bethany, you can’t. These things won’t work unless you do, and even then they hardly will. Instead, spend your $30 a month on something useful like new underwear. I don’t care if it’s the extra strength detergent, you know darn well those stains are permanent.

4. Starbucks...

If you don’t want your fall ruined in one sentence, stop reading now and continue crying over a fictional characters death. Here it goes. One venti pumpkin spice latte has around 500 calories, including 15 grams of fat and a whopping 62 grams of sugar. To spell it out, that’s an assload. There’s less sugar in 10 rolls of smarties. “Who the hell still eats smarties?”I do, now stop running your mouth and run a few laps around the track in your Uggs.

5. Use the buddy system

It’s much easier to achieve your goals when you have someone on your side with the same goal. Uplift and inspire each other by saying things like “Wow, Tina. Another full sleeve of oreos? You’re going to look great as the Michelin Man on Halloween!” Or,“ I see you skipped the gym again, I expect a pair of safety goggles when the button blasts off of your skinny jeans.”

6. You will not starve yourself

All you'll do is shut down your metabolism, causing it to hang on to every ounce of fat. Eventually, you’ll crack because bae didn’t text back but clearly favorited Sally’s tweet minute ago. Then, all the calories that you suck down after your little episode will be stored away, resulting in more body fat. I mean, if you’re going to gain the freshman 15, at least make it enjoyable with triple beer bongs off the roof.

7. You will make smart choices in the dining hall

At all hours of the day you are exposed to an all you can eat buffet. Here’s my tip that most of you won’t take. Make your first plate healthy and eat it slowly. Fruits, vegetables, lean meats like grilled chicken or fish; we were all in kindergarten we know what healthy food is by now. This plate should be enough to fill you up, but if you have the self-control of Squidward after his first Krabby Patty, then you can indulge in moderation. At least by having the healthy plate first, you’ll only have the hunger to woof down one pizza slice instead of requesting a personal pie.

Don’t act like you’re on a diet because you’ll probably fail and get discouraged. Instead, you’re simply going through your day trying to make healthy choices. Good luck to you all, I hope your freshman year is better than a crunchy leaf.