When my mother told me she was pregnant with you, my heart dropped to the floor. My eyes teared and I caught this tingle I get in my nose when something big is about to happen. She looked at me and before I was about to question her seriousness, she hugged me and confirmed my doubts. Our family was getting a plus one, and I was going to become a mentor, a role model, a big sister.
The next 9 months while you grew in mom's belly was adventurous. The days passed by and her stomach grew so big. Her appetite increased, her hormones swayed, her feet swelled, but as you were cozy in her belly, you had no idea you had a family waiting for your arrival. We bought so much diapers, bedding, clothes... I had no idea they make baby mittens because infants don't know they have nails and scratch their faces.
You had no idea that as you were becoming you, you had a daddy that cried the second he found out that you were a boy. You had no idea that you were going to be named to carry on the spirit of your grandfather and the last name.
You had no idea you had family who loved you and had not even met you yet.
When you were born, I was 12-years-old. You were the biggest baby I had ever seen. To be honest I think mom had to get a C-section because you were kind of...too big. But I like to think you were so big with love, emotions, greatness, and eagerness that you were ready to gift us.
As the days post your birth went on, Mom became worried about you. She became worried that your speech wasn't happening at the milestone doctor's said you were going to get by. She became worried because you started to walk a little later than the doctors as predicted. Then when you did walk, you walked a lot on your tip toes. But, you did not care.
What mile stone chart do you need? You was going on your time and that was amazing.
As you got older, certain things milestones had to been meet by certain time periods in your life; you were kind of delayed. Sometimes your tantrums were kind of like a earthquake with a hurricane, but it everything was still okay. Mom took you to the doctor's and you were diagnosed with Autism. More specifically, you were given the gift of Aspergers.
Now, at this point in my life I was 16 and I had never heard of this spectrum until mom had told me. I looked at you and your eyes were normal, your smile was as big as always and your curiosity was sharp as cheddar. I googled Aspergers and I had a hard time wrapping my mind around what it was. You couldn't understand social queues, you couldn't associated emotions to faces, Look mom in the eyes nor recognize what it was why mom was mad when you drew on the wall with sharpie; jokes were like a foreign language to you.
Mom worried about you as she looked at you while you watch WOW WOW WUBZY on the huge T.V. You had no idea the gift you had, and you had no idea of the worried mother that watched behind you as she knew of how harsh the world is out there.
Rueben, being your big sister has been an amazing gift and I'm blessed God has given your soul to my family to learn and grew with you and around you.
As you got older, you needed to be taken to occupational and speech therapy. It was rough because getting there wasn't always the easiest as we didn't have a car most days, but helping you and watching you reach milestones that was before impossible for you is what gave me drive to keep doing what I needed.
I was there as you started Kindergarten, I was there when you put on your first performance, when you grew a love for video games, and I was there when I saw you get frustrated to the brink of tears when your homework was too hard.
I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for giving me motivation. Thank you for your innocence and curiosity. Thank you for rubbing my shoulders when I cried. Thank you for yelling and running away to hide when I came back home from college. Thank you for showing me things that I have seen before. Thank you for for giving me the motivation to apply and get to college. Thank you giving me the reason why I stay up late every night and study and work.
Now that you are older, you are aware of more, and you are aware of your needs. You are aware that things will always be harder for you to understand than most kids.
But something that you will never be aware of is how much closer and stronger you made this family. Just by being you.
Autism makes things hard. But it does not make anything impossible. Thank you for showing me that.
Love,
Your Big Sis
