Oh, the wonderful things that await us in the month of December! Sugar plums, snow angels, and ginger bread houses! I sat down to write my article with every intention of writing something very deep and meaningful. Something my mom would want to share on Facebook with the caption “So proud of who my beautiful, wonderful, super freaking awesome daughter has become!” I would reminisce on all the glorious times we had singing around the piano and playing scrabble in front of the fire place with a lovely tray of fancy cheese and glasses of sparkling grape juice. Except…that’s not how any of my Christmases have been. So, instead I’m going to tell you a few very authentic Christmas stories.
“Don’t break your sister’s arm, we can’t get out of this house to go to the ER.”
Living in the country is a great place for kids to grow up. They can shout at the top of their lungs and burn off all their energy running around the house. However, one of the major drawbacks is when it snows a lot, you get super snowed in. My old farmhouse is right at the tip top of a hill and the drifts that gather at the end of the driveway can easily get up to 5 feet if it’s windy enough. The first few snow days would always be fun! Hanging out in pajama’s, watching Christmas movies…then by the 3rd or 4th day you’re a little antsy. My siblings and I would start bickering which of course led to a punch or a slap and then that led to a tackle on the floor and my mom yelling from the other room “IF YOU BREAK YOUR SISTER’S ARM YOU’RE JUST GUNNA HAVE TO TOUGH IT OUT BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY WE ARE GETTING OUT OF THIS PLACE!” Oh, the holiday cheer is definitely in the air.
“What’s your recipe?” “Love…and some dirt.”
Every year we have a big extended Christmas for my mom’s side of the family. For the last few years it’s been at my Aunt and Uncle’s house, seriously only 2 minutes away from my house but we still always manage to be late. Two years ago, my mom made one of those massive balls of soft cheese that you roll in nuts and then dip crackers into. We trusted my 12-year-old brother to hold it on his lap for the duration of the quick car ride. As fate would have it, as soon as we hit the first stop sign, the cheeseball goes rolling onto the Durango floor. GOOD ONE, JASON. My mom being the optimist she is yells at us to stop freaking out and pick up the dang thing. After assessing the cleanliness of the cheeseball, she decides it’s all right and puts it back on the platter. The first person to take a taste of it of course goes “Oh! Who made the cheeseball? It’s really yummy! What’s all in it?” I don’t think you want to know…
“On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…a cat pooping underneath the tree.”
If you’re a pet owner, I know you’ll be able to appreciate this one. The one thing I can remember about every Christmas morning is the anticipation of waiting at the top of the steps on Christmas morning for mom and dad to give us the ok to come see what Santa left. Well, when I was probably around 13, we had a Christmas morning where it took my parent’s a little longer than usual to get the camera’s set up to catch our reactions. “MACKENZIE, YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT YOUR CAT DID ON CHRISTMAS MORNING!” You guessed it folks. My lovely cat felt the need to also leave us a present underneath the Christmas tree. I, being the comedian I am, then rewrote the lyrics to "The Twelve Days of Christmas" and sang it for the next week while laughing hysterically.
It’s too bad that the holidays can’t always “nearly be like a picture print of by Currier and Ives.” In all honestly though, I think I would take my crazy, dysfunctional holidays over a perfect looking one any day. May you all have hilarious Christmases with enough laughs and hugs to last you until next year!
P.S. I know I put my mom talking in caps lock a lot in here, but she is actually a really lovely lady and you would love her.
