As you probably have guessed from reading the above title, yes I am an atheist. To the rest of the world, I am either known as a secular humanist, (even if it’s not quite the same thing) a non-believer or an instrument of the devil to practice my evil upon the world. What saddens me the most is that none of the aforementioned descriptions truly encompass what I believe in; thus, somewhere along the way of getting an Odyssey account and suddenly thinking my words have any real significance to the world, I decided to write this article that summarizes what I and other atheists have in terms of a lifestyle in order to give the morally devout religious folk a glimpse into our lives and mentalities. Perhaps then you would think twice before shoving your atrocious ethics down our throats.

My mornings begin with the shrill screech of my alarm clock.

Unfortunately, I am probably hungover, high, and sedated from last night’s shenanigans of swapping Bacardi and heroin. I stumble out of bed, take a swig from the tall bottle of liquor sitting on my nightstand, and go to the bathroom.

Generally, before I am able to perform any of my morning rituals I have to go through the grueling endeavor of kicking out all of the men that I had slept with the night before that now lay on my bathroom tile.

Sometimes it is easy, as I only have to rid myself of a handful.

Other times, the number can move into the double digits. It really depends on how much I want to exert my hedonistic pleasures that night.

Sometimes at the shady alleyways I go to I’ll see a red-eyed girl clutching her necklace of a cross in the palm of her hand. What a shame that because she has a moral authority to respond to all she can really do is smoke the occasional joint.

After I have applied seven heavy coats of makeup and have gotten rid of all of the men (sometimes women) from my house, I go downstairs and have a regular breakfast.

I have this lovely group of Peruvian children whom I get to do my housework.

Because they are young immigrants who have no real concept of pay, I generally am able to have them maintain my house whilst paying them with Monopoly money. Once they grow old enough to figure out that American cash isn’t blue, pink, and orange, I call the immigration police to escort them out of my household as they have long outlived their usefulness.

Luckily, the American police force’s bible-thumping ways are always quick to protect the safety of this country, as you can never know just which twelve-year-old Peruvian child is going to be the next car bomber.

Surely we as a Christian country can come together with even a morally repugnant atheist such as myself on that issue.

I pick up the assignments that I was able to force the neighborhood Asian kid to work on for me.

I leave my home to go to school. I have a modest car as I generally don’t want to run the risk of hot-wiring a more luxurious vehicle and experiencing the wrath of the owner.

Personally, I find that car theft is much easier to commit in impoverished areas. The reason being is that if you are not of a middle-class to wealthy income, white, or Christian, the police force will regard your issue as just another problem of “the hood”.

After all, why chase after the poor black man’s Honda when you can go rescue the rich white woman’s Mercedes?

It certainly helps keep those pesky minorities in their place.

And I take great pleasure in my actions contributing to my own privilege.

I think one of the most important facets of atheism is our absolute apathy towards the world.

Seeing a homeless individual on the streets gives me a hint of revulsion, as I just know that even in their limbless, mentally unstable condition they could still get a job like the rest of us.

This idea of assisting the poor in any way is nothing but a result of our heavily religious groups pushing towards showing the rest of the country what their own religious leaders taught them.

Politicians keep Jesus on their lips, and I keep my money in my wallet.

So what if the morally devout argue for the monetary assistance of our elderly, our military, our infirm?

I will argue even more loudly for the greater satisfaction of feeling those Benjamin's' rustling in my pocket versus the psychiatric treatment of a wounded veteran. Darwinism used to be heralded as the golden societal standard.

How have we devolved to the point to where we not only maintain these people but also allow them to reproduce?

Absolutely unacceptable.

America a hundred or so years ago was truly a great time for the atheist community. Our growing annoyance with the world was readily served with a healthy dose of oppression towards the inferior communities - a Machiavellian world we were all too excited to live in.

However, the moral authority made it unacceptable to allow our workers to make pennies a day.

They denied our children their inherent right to work

- a monstrosity! -

and dared to utter the words that women and those not fortunate enough to have been born white occasionally deserved to contribute to their respective communities.

Those people who follow the holy scripture's word to treat others the way you would have them do to you and to be generous with your money are the reason this country has significantly degraded over the past century. The only way to make America great again is to return to the days of social Darwinism that was not tainted by the crucifix-carrying people.

So, my suggestion to all of the religious people reading this?

Stop with your morals of wanting to save refugees, help the poor, and provide societal assistance.

Instead, allow atheists to introduce to you a new way of viewing morality in this ideal dog-eat-dog future that will hopefully replicate our past.

Alas, if only there were a politician willing to take us back one hundred years!