“Hey, how are you?”

“Good, you?

“Good.”

A classic dialogue. A bit more than a hello, but not quite a conversation. But what does it mean? Are we all really “good?” Does that random girl in my Spanish class actually care how I am? Why is this mundane series of words so often repeated with zero actual significance?

I tend to try to answer the “How are you?” question with as much honesty as possible, but this simply results with others telling me that I complain too much. Perhaps I just have poorly adjusted to social norms, but I feel as though if someone wants to know how I am, I should tell them. In order to combat this very non-important issue, I have compiled a list of alternative response to the age-old, “hey, how are you?”

1. I’m actually really tired.
2. Kinda bored.
3. Awesome!
4. I just ate a cookie!
5. I am lost.
6. Where am I?
7. Help.
8. I don't know, how are you? (said in a condescending tone)
9. Stop talking to me, I’m sleeping.
10. I’m a dog.
11. I’ve been better.
12. I lost my voice. I don’t understand what your asking.*answer in pig latin*
13. Well I could be trapped in a shed right now so I guess it isn’t too bad.
14. I am good, but the spirit within me is feeling otherwise.
15. I’m okay, but I’d be better if you gave me a bowl of spaghetti.
16. My name is Wanda.
17. Do I know you?
18. Actually I’m feeling terribly.
19. Can you give me $20?
20. *cough until the person walks away*

My only hope is that you can take these responses and use them to facilitate genuine conversation. Add to this list, make it your own, but most importantly, stop telling people that you’re “good.”