On and off, for quite a long time, I frequently thought about killing myself. I found myself genuinely overwhelmed with the calamities of life. It wasn’t that I was miserable all the time. Quite the contrary, since high school ended three years ago, I’ve had (for the most part) a lot of fun. I was overwhelmed. There was “not enough noise and too much racket.” Usually what would happen is I would fail a test, or be upset about something, then let myself spiral out of control. I questioned my self-worth a lot of the time. I was genuinely convinced that I wasn’t good at anything and that I wasn’t “meant” to do anything.
Suicide makes people uncomfortable. If I were to approach someone that I was close to and tell them that I want to die, I would be burdening them with something greater than either of us is prepared to deal with. It’s not that I do not have anyone to confide in, I have so many friends who are trustworthy, attentive, and kind. When I mentioned it to my therapists, they jumped down my throat and wouldn’t let me talk about anything else. This is not to discourage you from talking to someone if you are feeling suicidal, these are the feelings that I had that were based off of my own personal experiences if you have someone (friend, teacher, counselor, anyone) thatyou feel you can talk to about suicide, then do not hesitate for one more second and tell them. So instead of talking to my friends, or my therapists, whenever I felt suicidal, I would call a suicide lifeline. When I talked to someone there, they were calm, understanding, and firm. They were able to calm me down enough to realize that failing a test or something that had hurt me was not worth ending my life over.
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We, as human beings, need to learn how to talk about suicide like the people at the suicide lifeline. We need to learn how to talk about it without fear or discomfort, and we need to learn the appropriate actions to take when someone approaches us with suicidal ideations. Part of the problem with suicide is that no one knows how to talk about it. It’s not a lack of empathy, it’s a lack of skills.
We shouldn’t be afraid to talk about suicide because talking about it will help eradicate it. From talking about suicide on the suicide lifeline and reading articles from others who have felt suicidal, I learned what to do when I felt suicidal. I started paying attention to what was triggering these feelings and learned how to process them. I didn’t make a total transformation, but gradually I learned. My life isn’t perfect, and I still struggle, but I’ve learned that ending my life isn’t going to be a solution to my struggles. Ending my life will only erase the beauty that is possible within it.
To find the beautiful, to seek the sublime, you have to endure tragedy and heartbreak. You have to fight against outer forces that you cannot control, and you have to fight forces within you, which is harder than anything life can throw at you. You are strong enough. You are good enough. Having suicidal ideations taught me a great deal about what I need to change in my life, and what matters to me. That test I mentioned earlier? It didn’t matter. I talked to my professor about it, and she helped me get my grade up. Even if she hadn’t done that, failing a class or failing anything for that matter is not an indication of your worth as a person. Sometimes, you have to fail so that you can learn. Failure is far more positive than it is negative in that sense.
Your life is worth enduring failures for. Your life is worth living. Suicidal ideations and mental illness are strong, but you are stronger.
