There is a question of preference as old as time itself that every male will be confronted with at some point in their life. The question, of course, is whether this male prefers a woman’s breasts or butt

All men at some time (excluding the ones who are gay or asexual, but that would require math to get that exact number and math is for nerds so fuck that) in their life ask themselves this. I mean, it is a question that will determine the outcome of many situations. Especially if they are closely intimate with a consenting woman (who you are married to, because anything past premarital holding hands while a chaperone is present is a mortal sin) you’ll never know where you want to grab first if you don’t take the time to answer the question

While humans have the sentience to be able to answer this question, some creatures on earth aren’t quite as lucky. As lucky as us humans are to have the ability to ponder, it sometimes is our duty to help other beings on earth find the same answers in life. To ask these questions and see what their natural response on it was

That is why this past weekend, we took to the pond in the Boston Public Garden and asked 200 ducks whether they preferred the butt or the boob

With much excitement to give those without a voice a chance to objectify some women, we went up to our first duck and asked. “Hey buddy,i” I asked the duck and he waddled on over, “tits or ass?”. The duck just replied “quack”. I thought maybe he didn’t understand the question was multiple choice, so I asked him again. He gave the same answer as last time… “quack”

Public interviews can get a little tricky at times to get the answers you’re looking for, so with a smile and head held high I wrote down his response and went to interview the next duck. Well, what happened next will actually SHOCK you.

When tasked with answering the same question, “tits or ass?”, that duck ALSO gave me the similar response of “quack”. Persistence is key with primary research, so I wrote down the data and continued to find 198 other ducks.

After 10 of the ducks all gave me the same response, “quack”, I decided to search online to see if I could find what body part a quack was. I thought it might have been a body part on ducks so totally hot and scandalous, that they couldn’t even level down and give the answer tits or ass. Human women would envy every female duck, waddling by, showing off her quack. Boy, was I disappointed that in the history of any being’s anatomy, the body part “quack” didn’t exist.

In the interest of saving you, the reader, the time I could never get back, I’ll explain the shit those ducks pulled on me that day. Literally, every single one of them replied “quack”. Out of only two possible answers I gave those ducks, 200 of 200 ducks gave an unknown-to-me third option… “quack”.

Nobody ask me to do any fucking field work ever again. If I ever see another duck again, I’m kicking it in its tail with more satisfaction than I could ever get at the Playboy Mansion