Hey Toby, or Tobalicious, still don't know which name you fancy the most. Maybe you prefer Pepe, the name you had before we adopted you? Just joking, even I know you detested that name. I have a couple of questions that I'd like to ask you, and even though I know you won't reply, could you welcome them anyways because I'm a neurotic pup owner who just wants to be loved by her doggo? Okay, cool thanks.

When I place you in front of a mirror, do you know that’s you or if that’s just another dog?

Because it's just you, Toby - and also...

Could you please stop barking at yourself?

There's no one there, it's just you, barking at yourself.

What are you actually thinking when I leave the house?

Because if you think I abandoned you, I would never even think of doing that.

Do you like it when I talk to you in a baby-like voice or do you just think I’m an idiot?

Frankly, I'm not sure why I do it... It's not intentional, but you probably think I'm insane.

When I sit down to play the ukulele, and you leave the room, is that a coincidence or are you just trying to avoid the chaos as I pluck the strings on my instrument?

It was a musical ode to you, so you shouldn't leave the room. Also, please don't leave, you make me feel lonely.

When we’re out for a walk, do you actually think you’re the one walking me?

Hell, if it's going to be like this I might as well just wear a collar and grow myself a tail...

When it’s 3 a.m. and you make the ultimate decision to involve yourself in a barking competition with every dog in the neighborhood, do you know that everyone is sleeping, or are you really just that oblivious?

Just for future reference, "shush" doesn't mean continue.

Remember that time you took a shit on my mother’s expensive carpet and you acted like you didn’t know what you had just done even though you’ve been warned constantly before?

Did you really know what you were doing then or does your memory work on a two-second time span? I bet you do since you weren't allowed inside for a month after that.

Do you recall the time when I took you out on a friendly doggy date with my friend’s dog and you decided that you, a Maltipoo, were way mightier than a Black Labrador and even attempted to commence a WWE match in the middle of a quiet and cozy restaurant?

Was that your ego trying to protect me from another cute furry creature? Because don't worry, nobody is as cute as you. Or was that your way of saying that you can be small and mighty? If so, have you been watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua lately? Ay Papi!

When I get home and you begin your routine furious sniff-attacks, is that because you missed my human stench or are you sniff-interrogating me in order to identify the number of doggos I've petted throughout the day?

Because if you'd like an answer, it was most likely two to three dogs.

Can we talk about that one time you barked and clawed at my legs before I left to a restaurant where the waiter dropped my food all over the clothes I had just bought the day before?

Were you warning me? Are you psychic?

Do you even like dog food?

Just warn me before I open the bag, you know, while the receipt is still valid.

Are you aware of a number of times I talk about you throughout the day?

It's more than the average person thinks about their dog, I mean, I wrote this article about you.

Also, are you conscious of the Twitter and Instagram account that I’ve made for you?

How could you not notice the photoshoots I’ve been giving you recently, you're obviously a star.

Do you know how much I love you? Because if you don't, I do. I really do.

Instagram/Twitter: @TobaliciousToby