The Facebook memories feature highlights of who we were several years ago. Sometimes it shows Thanksgiving photos, posed family shots with pumpkin pie and green bean casserole. Other times, the memories are more painful. I see the summer photos from four years ago, my tan arms wrapped around my best friend, someone who I thought I would grow old with. I stare at the photo for a few minutes, remembering the all-nighters, movie marathons, and inside jokes. I remember the secrets that we shared and the promises that we made to each other. I remember our silly sing-alongs using empty bottles as microphones. And then I remember the ugliness. I remember the fight that ended it all—a petty argument that ruined things forever.
I used to naively believe that the people that I grew up with would stand by my side forever, but that isn't always the case. Some relationships just grow apart. Sometimes it happens without you even realizing it. You make plans to meet up for coffee and promise to keep in touch, but life happens; you become caught up in work and school and the three organizations that you joined this semester. Suddenly the two of you no longer have things to talk about. You can’t gossip about the cute barista boy or what that girl neither of you like did with her hair. You grew up, and although your roots may still be intertwined, things just do not feel the same.
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Other times, things are messier. A fight. A lie. A heartbreak. Personally, I have a rather nasty habit of burning bridges. If people can’t do right by me, I figure that I am better off without them. This may not be the most “adult” thought process, but it protects me from being hurt in the long run. However, that does not mean that those people don’t carry pieces of me. They saw my ugly moments, my breakdowns, my miserable sick days. But they also saw the best parts of me. They watched me laugh until I cried. They knew when I needed Starbucks and when I needed Taco Bell (and that on really, really bad days I need both). They knew me, perhaps better than I will ever know myself. Occasionally I become resentful of this. I want all my secrets back. I want my time back.
I still keep tabs on the people that I no longer speak with. I pull them up on Facebook and click through their photos. Sometimes it stings that they replaced me, just as I had replaced them. Recently I had a conversation with someone I hadn’t spoken with in several years. She had changed, just as I had changed. We’ve stopped fitting together like puzzle pieces. We had new best friends, new inside jokes, new memories with people. She had new dreams and they didn’t include me. It’s kind of funny how life moves on without you.
I will forever be grateful for the people who have left my life. They grew up with me, even if they didn’t grow old with me. They taught me lessons in compassion and in letting negativity go. “May the bridges I burn light the way” used to be my life motto. Now, however, I see that the ashes of these bridges have a deeper meaning. The lessons that I have learned from failed relationships helped to foster personal growth. I am not a perfect person, but I am always growing. I have rooted myself in the ashes, and I am turning my face towards the sun.
