I woke up the other day and realized that I’m almost 20 years old and I have literally no idea where the time went.
I found a quote about sleeping that says “you pretend to be asleep until you actually are” and I think it’s maybe the best metaphor I’ve ever heard about growing up. You pretend to have your life together until you actually do; you pretend to be grown up until you actually are. And now? We’re getting internships, applying for jobs, moving into our first apartments, realizing we do need to sleep occasionally and becoming intent on changing the world without a clue as to how to do that.
This is the kind of stuff you have to live through to really believe. These moments will change your perspective and shape your life, little by little, until you look around and everything is different. It will never cease to be both wonderful and terrifying.
While you’re growing up, your parents will say things like “time flies” and “life is short” and you’ll just be thinking about how many more days you have to keep your braces on. It doesn't seem like you're ever going to get any older, and then somewhere along the line, you come to understand that Mom and Dad were right. Slowly but surely, we're realizing the significance of the values they instilled in us.
But no one tells you how much it’s going to hurt to get your heart broken, or how much that tire repair will cost. You’re going to have to learn to pace yourself, exercise some willpower, and attend class even if it kills you. Sometimes you’ll find yourself listening to your Uber driver’s weird stories, lapping campus at least 15 times while blasting sad country songs and staying up till 4:45 a.m. chugging Mountain Dew before your last final. Maybe you’ll never grow out of taking over any dance floor in the vicinity, occasionally crying in your car and buying too many boxes of Cheez-Its every time you go to Walmart.
You'll learn real work ethic, surround yourself with people who inspire you, and when the going gets tough, you'll remember just how strong you are. It'll almost never be perfect, but it certainly won't ever be boring.
Most importantly, you’ll keep trying to maintain the illusion that you actually do have your life together. Some days, pretending is all you can do. I have a sneaking suspicion that I’ll feel like a kid faking adulthood when I’m 35 and 55 and 75, and I also suspect that, at 75, I will still be learning and falling in love and forgetting to make grocery lists.
At the end of the day, there’s no right way to do this. There’s no right way to learn what you are capable of or to face rejection. There’s no right place to find yourself, no recipe for success or for failure beyond hard work and perseverance.
I've found that the key is not to worry too much. Just keep doing your thing and eventually, everything will shift into place. As Beyonce so wisely sang, “It took a while, now I understand just where I’m going.”
