When I was younger, I wanted to be a lawyer. Why? I was told that I loved to argue, so I figured that'd be the best profession.
Now I'm a Photography and Writing major, but that's beside the point. Truth is, I don't love arguing. I don't like being loud and angry. I don't like sending those three pages text messages in all caps. But when I hear people say that couples that argue frequently should not be together, I WANT to be loud and angry.
Now I don't agree with arguing frequently, but couples will argue. A couple will go through spans of months where every other day they are in some kind of argument. Does that mean they shouldn't be together? Heck no! But it does mean three things, in my opinion:
1. They clearly have something they want to talk about and can't manage to get it worked out yet
2. Someone isn't listening and only hearing. There is a difference. Whether it be both of them or just one, someone isn't reading between the caps lock.
Hearing: When someone speaks, your brain registers words being spoken and you respond without thinking.
Listening: When someone speaks and you take the time to think about what they are saying and how they are saying it, then you think about your response and then reply.
and
3. They know that the main reason they are fighting is that they feel like the relationship is worth fighting for.
My S.O. and I, up until the past month, argue sometimes twice a week or sometimes once a month. Why? Honestly, because one of us wasn't completely listening to the other or because we misunderstood something the other said.
My S.O. and I are two very passionate people. I, for one, am very stubborn and he is too. So arguments are bound to happen. But we are so much more than our arguments. We are the couple who laughs often, binge watches Shameless, doesn't judge each other, supports each other, are very career focused and when worst comes to worst we are always by each other's side.
I have recently been very sick and my S.O. has been through a tragedy recently and even though I have been very sick, every day I still ask, "Hey how are you doing today? Do you want to talk about it?" and he, even though he's hurting, still came to take care of me.
A lot of people have said that argumentative relationships aren't healthy. I disagree to a certain degree. Statistics show that most of the couples that argue often are actually very healthy because they understand that they have a communication problem and are trying to fix it. Sometimes you have to be firmer in your stance to get the other person to listen, but they should always keep the other's emotions in mind as well.
A slightly loud conversation is not unhealthy! Where argumentative couples get unhealthy is when they start hurting each other on purpose. If the relationship gets to that point or becomes abusive, that's when it needs to be let go.If you start hurting each other verbally or physically, that's when the relationship isn't healthy.
If your relationship is abusive you need to get out ASAP. I know It isn't as easy as that, but you should never purposely hurt your S.O. ever and your S.O. should never purposely hurt you.
But the couple who simply tends to misunderstand each other, should not be told that they aren't healthy. Because in fact, they are. They may not always be sitting down, speaking in their inside voices and singing campfire songs, but they do know that there is a miscommunication that needs to be addressed. It may not happen the ideal way, but it doesn't mean they are unhealthy at all.
The main reason my S.O. and I haven't argued in a while is because we have slowly learned to slow down and LISTEN instead of just HEARING. But does that mean we're never going to argue again? No. What it does mean is that next time, we'll slow down and try to understand the other person's perspective.
That's what really matters. Not the quantity of argument but the quality. If you're arguing about something both of you care about, go ahead but be kind and gentle. This isn't Mortal Kombat, this is another human being trying to solve a problem in the best way they know how. No relationship is perfect, so put away your caps lock, drop your shields and listen instead of hearing.
