"Are you religious?" is a question I have recently continuously had to face.

When my sister and I began questioning who "God" was (like whether or not "he" was a dog or what not) our parents started taking us to church. I have attended St. Andrew Lutheran Church In Vancouver, Washington, since I was a child. I have attended Preschool there, was baptized there, attended multiple camps as a middle schooler, a surplus of lock-ins, five mission trips, volunteered in the community through the church, overall I was raised a Lutheran. I still consider myself a Lutheran, I think. Something a close friend of me scoffs at me for as she knows of my questioning

The questions, flags, and red tape of whether or not there was a magical man in the heavens above began forming in my head when I entered middle school and began learning about outer space. If there are stars, other planets, galaxies, black holes, meteorites, and much, much more out there, how could one man create it all? Public school teaches evolution, not creationism. How could there be a great all powerful being if there was evolution or the possibility of other living beings on other planets?

But most important how could this apparent "God" let my mother die of cancer. Let her body turn against her and spread from her breasts to her spine, to her brain which ultimately killed her.

"Are you religious?" I don't know anymore.

How could there be a "God" when people have treated me so terribly? When people were so cruel and continue to be so, leading to thoughts of suicide in my mind. When my anxiety prevents me from doing basic day to day things, from going out with friends, from speaking in class and social gatherings, leads me to cry myself to sleep and have mental breakdowns.

Why would this apparently loving father figure from above allow my Aunt to kill herself? And continue to let the ones I love die. Continue to allow for natural disasters, genocides, war, racism, torture, bullying, illnesses, homophobia, and all the other terrible things that continue to happen as the world turns.

Why would this surreal being support sexism, racism, white supremacist, mass murder, terrible leaders, homophobia, conversion therapy, all of the -isms, all of the things that continue to separate and divide the human race. That allows so-called Christians and other religious persons carry on their banners, scream at the tops of their lungs, teach their followers are wrong.

"Are you religious?" I don't know anymore.

Currently, I attend PLU. Pacific Lutheran University. As P. Krise (the university president: President Thomas Krise) said, "The L is not silent."

People used to assume I was religious. People used to assume I was conservative. Now, labels of "liberal," "feminist," "queer," etc. are being stuck on me. My dearest friend has even drawn the line of our differences and pointed out what separates us. That nearly ended our friendship and continues put our friendship to the test. These labels are not always bad and have represented me properly. I will not be ashamed of myself. But these labels begin to cover me, begin to drown me by the assumptions of others.

The ruckus of day-to-day life and figuring out who I really am has shoved whether or not I believe in the man in the sky to the back burned.

The religious organizations and gatherings I have attended recently have only made me question more and feel out of place. What I believe does not always align with them.

"Are you religious?"

I don't know anymore. I want to see my mom again. I don't want the world to become darkness, empty, silent, or blank when my life ends.

"Are you religious?"

There is panic that fills my entire being when I think about death and what is beyond.

"Are you religious?"

Since starting college I am now in an environment that allows me to question and challenge what I have been taught and learned. But I have not been taught to ask the questions or reach out.

"Are you religious?"

When I say "I don't know anymore," they want to pry, they judge me, they blow it off, it doesn't mean anything to them, they say "same."

"Are you religious?"

I don't know anymore.

*Not too long ago my friend share an article on social media titled, The Kind of Christian I Refuse to Be.And now I wrote this article.