This past weekend I had the opportunity to go to an academic conference with an English professor and two of my classmates to present a paper on an undergraduate panel. It was an amazing experience that left me exhausted and exhilarated.
When my professor first proposed the idea that I would speak at this conference, I was flattered—and terrified. The excitement of the trip and numerous revisions of my paper pushed the anxiety from my mind for several months, but as the weeks drew closer, I found myself worrying more and more about the presentation.
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I have a running mental list of things I am afraid of (the list is bigger than I would like to admit) and near the top, under spiders and deep water, is public speaking. For someone who is just about as terrified as you can be about talking in front of people—the prospect of reading my paper at this conference was not a comforting thought. But I pressed on, determined to ignore the nagging worry and focus on preparations for the conference instead. The week proceeding our trip the anxiety reared its head in protest of the thin blanket of calm I had acquired. "What am I doing?" I thought, "I can’t possibly do this."
A few days before the conference I was watching TV with my family, and Allstate’s most recent advertisement came on the screen. The ad showed a little girl talking to her dad, who is examining the family car for damages. When the child opens her mouth to speak, it’s not her voice that comes out, telling her father about their insurance policy, but the voice of Denis Haysbert, the Allstate spokesman of many years.
I smiled. This reminded me of what God does for us.
“Not my voice, but yours,” I prayed.
Yes, I had typed every word on my paper, but only through God would those words come out of my mouth in the face of the daunting task ahead of me.
And that’s exactly what happened.
The day dawned when our panel was to present, bringing with it nervous jitters and an anxious stomach. Being the chair for the panel, it was my job to welcome everyone and introduce my classmates before they read their papers, which meant I read last, enabling the mounting anxiety to engulf me.
But it didn’t.
With a full glass of water and the hand of God, my heart stilled and my breathing slowed so that I was able to deliver a clear reading to the audience members gathered.
This experience has shown me how much I underestimate myself. I am constantly reminded how God carries us through dark woods into sunny meadows, whispering, "be still" to our fears. Without fear holding us back, we can take on the world. What are you waiting for? Step outside your comfort zone and have peace, knowing who holds you.
I still don’t
know what I will do with my life after college—hopefully it will
involve more conferences, and certainly it will involve more learning
experiences—but wherever the next years take me, I know I am in good hands.
