Happiness hap·pi·ness (Noun): That which we do for its own sake.

As I sit here watching the latest Bo Burnam special "Make Happy" on Netflix, which is quite entertaining and I highly recommend it, I am starting to dislike myself simply on the fact that I am starting to over analyze a comedy special. The overall message of his stand up was that happiness is up to us and no one else, and we cannot rely on other people to make us happy. And instead of just enjoying the special like a normal person, my mind is continually asking itself "are you happy?" Unfortunately, that question kept persisting and wouldn't leave my head even well after the special ended. What bothered me most was that I couldn't convince myself that I was.

One of the most undercover snide comments used today is the question "Are you happy now?" Whenever that question is asked, it is rarely if ever meant sincerely, as the subtext is often "Are you happy now- so you can stop complaining?" Parents will say it when a kid is wanting something and repeatedly asking for it and they finally get what they want. Teachers will say it when a student is begging for their grade to be raised that .5% so they can have an 'A' because as we all know, pain is temporary but GPA is eternal. That question is never asked to truly know if the person is actually happy, we ask it so that we can move on.

I will admit, and it's not something I often like bringing up because I have issues with feelings, but when I kept asking myself if I was happy, I couldn't say yes. And to say you aren't happy is a real slippery slope because then you have to think about why you aren't happy, which is a horrible feeling because it's like going to the doctor to figure out what part of you is hurting and the only way to find out is if you hit the spot that hurts over and over really hard with a sledge hammer. No one likes having to analyze why they are feeling a certain way, but as we all begrudgingly know: the first step in solving a problem is recognizing that there is one. So if you know you're unhappy, I guess you can say congratulations because you are now one step closer to solving that issue.

The other problem that I face is that along with being the blunt friend of my friend groups (see The Blunt Friend article for more information) I am also the one who refuses to show much, if any, emotion towards life outwardly. I am a bottler when it comes to my emotions and I face a lot of what bothers me alone, even though I have some truly great friends who I know will be there for me when I need them. And it has always been so hard for me to ask for help, and I am not asking for help now. This is simply me trying to finally say that I am not happy. And that I realize that I have not been happy for a while. But I still hold on to the one fact that I was told over and over and we all have heard for years: It gets better.

It does get better. Yes, it will be incredibly slow getting there, but damn it, it will get better. I refuse to accept the idea that I won't be happy again. And we all should acknowledge the fact that we will be happy again. Yes, I am aware that what I am saying is difficult. I understand that it is easier said than done that we have the power to be happy again, but I have this undying, unrelenting, pain in my ass hope that I will be happy again. I refuse to let go of that hope and I know that I can't do it alone. And I know I don't have to.

This past week, my Facebook friends did a compliment challenge, to spread positivity on all of our news feeds. It was incredible to watch my friends comment on each others posts and see the compliments everyone shared. To see the positivity that we wanted to share with the world come out. That is something we do not do enough of as a people, is compliment those we love as much as we should.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you to all of my friends. I love you all, whether or not I say it as much as I should. You mean more to me than you know. I know it will get better. I will get better.

I hope you are happy.