Not too long ago, I was talking with someone important in my life during a time when I was in a bad place mentally. There are only so many people that I feel comfortable enough to talk to when I get to that place in my head that scares me. Whether they realize it or not, close family members and those in my everyday life often leave me feeling worse when I hint that I am feeling a certain way.

It’s an unexplainable kind of hurt that occurs when you let someone you love in on those dark feelings, and they hardly acknowledge what you were already afraid to express in the first place. A sense of distance grows, and I feel like I’m being a burden, especially when it seems like I’m the only one reaching out to keep communication alive. I’ve since learned that getting the response and acknowledgement I need will only come from special people that find their way into my life. I have this knowledge inside that, intentional or not, family and friends are pulling away because they can’t handle my darkness.

There are two people in my life that I know I can turn to at all times, without a shadow of a doubt. This might seem sad and unfortunate, but it’s not. One lives minutes away, and the other is in an entirely different country. I don’t see or talk to them every day, but when one of us finds ourselves slipping, the other knows it as well. I feel a connection to both of these individuals, one that I don’t feel with others I am close to in my life. I’ve always felt like this, an unexplainable sense that is rare, and that I can’t put a name on.

Until I was speaking with one of those special souls, catching up on life. I had yet to say anything about my mental funk when out of nowhere she said something that has since turned my life perspective around:

While “woke” isn’t the right term, it’s still something important and significant (read about it here https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/woke-meaning-origin ).

What they meant to say is something that is referred to as “being awake”. There are many definitions, explanations, and interpretations of what this means. Here is a simple way of understanding what “being awake” means:

To become AWARE of; come to the realization of; fully conscious, alert, and aware

Wakefulness - that embodied attentiveness to life as it lives itself through us

The article that really helped me to understand this concept can be read here: http://iheartintelligence.com/2016/03/28/struggles-people-understand/. “3 Struggles That Only People Who Are Truly Awake Will Understand” was like reading the manual to my life - mine specifically, and now everything I felt and experienced made more sense. I’ve always been aware that I was different, and felt different from others, but never in a bad or negative way. Sometimes I felt disconnected, and in my darker times, far from others, but it was never something that got in the way of living my life.

Still, I often felt like I was walking through life like I’d forgotten something important about myself. Something felt like it was missing, and it’s so hard to explain if you don’t understand what “being awake” means, and even more if you don’t know what “being awake” feels like.

Parts of this can be explained by the article, though: “If you’re truly awake, or at least well on your way to being awake, you see the connections between people and actions in ways that other people don’t understand…You see the actions of people and understand why they do them…You find yourself understanding the thoughts and actions of the people around you better than they understand them themselves.”

Having found this lost knowledge inside of me feels like I have guidance in the world again. It strongly resembles the guidance I unknowingly felt when my mother was alive, and very knowingly felt the loss of it when she died. Looking back, I can see that the signs of becoming aware were all around me following my mama’s death, which came only six months after my dad’s death. Having something this significant and life-changing happen is likely what strengthened my level of being awake.

It has been said that catalysts such as events can also cause an awakening within a person. Powerful transformation doesn’t have to be painful, but for some, it does come with a lot of pain. Some people speed up their awakening process when they experience a powerful trauma, or are diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Just as I started to come to terms with the loss of my parents, I faced another huge life-changing struggle when questions of infertility led to the diagnosis of a genetic, lifelong autoimmune disease that has no cure. In the span of two years I lost the person I was, the life I had worked to build, and many friends as doctors struggled to finally diagnose me with Celiac Disease. The diagnosis was just the start of another life changing journey that I am currently in the throes of, the most recent being a hysterectomy this past July. Physically, I am in a better place. Mentally, my recovery has barely started, but with this newfound knowledge about myself, I can feel it progressing in a positive direction.

Being awake is spiritual and magical, and even more so once you know this about yourself. This isn’t something that everyone will experience. However, if curiosity has its grip on you, here are a few links to some informative articles:

http://thespiritscience.net/2014/06/24/the-meaning-of-waking-up/

https://empathicguidance.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/ten-signs-youre-awake/