"Am I really okay?" I ask myself every night before I go to sleep.
"Am I going to live another day?"
"Maybe.."
When I wake up, I hear the words "I am alive". When I hear the sounds of the voices in my head; they edge me to go to reality and accept the role I was meant to play. Most of the time, I'm questioning what is right and wrong; I am questioning what is my sole purpose walking among the other souls dragging their feet on pavements to their normal routine.
When I was young, I was teased in an emotional and mental ordeal by being called names and being told that I was never good enough at the things such as writing. They would pull and push me into their ropes and drag me down to never achieve the goals I've always planned for myself. With my heart heavy, my mind confused and doubtful, I was an endless mess standing on a never-ending crossroad. I would curse, I would be quiet and when I made a stand for the things I would care about, people will only assume that I am funny and not truly serious. And I would talk and constantly apologize for making a comment when I shouldn't at all.
I've always wondered if I didn't listen, would I make it farther than I would've done for myself? Perhaps. No, yes I would've. But, what would be the cost of going further from the norm? Would I get to encounter my best friends? Would I actually already be a published author or would I be alone without the man I've come to love after so many years of true friendship?
I don't know. I always 'don't know'. It tires me out, it makes me angry. Even now, I'm unsure of the things I do and it sickens me. The slow approaching steps of change annoy me and I openly show it to people that I know and who I don't know. I'm always on the stand still with no self-guide to happy town.
I want to smile, I want to be at peace with my choices I personally make without the constant fear of someone telling me that I suck at the shit I do. It's something I know I'm not alone when dealing with our inner crossroad. While I'm heavily blessed with a roof over my head, a family who trusts me with my judgment calls, and a small group of non-family members that will be a friend when needed. Sometimes I have to wonder if it was worth dealing with my challenges with them as a support group. As a Leo, we are prideful sinners. We are proud and crave attention, but I'm not like that. I'm prideful yes, clingy yes, but wanting attention? I'm a Castiel with no wings at the idea of wanting the world to nitpick at me.
I guess where I am going with this personal note is that saying the word 'okay' is a blessing in disguise. I am a Type B in personality and as I grew up, I come to realize that even the loudest and the happiest person can be the same way as me. They can be dealing with the worst shit and still smile the brightest like a sun ray. It was all because they say "I am okay." They can fake it, but in a way, I see it as a personal victory. People like them are strong in heart and mind and perhaps people like me would want to reach for that idea. Saying those three words are what keeps the majority of us alive and perhaps save in mind when we endure the new challenges of everyday life.
So to honor each new step we take,I guess we can say it together if you are reading this. Are you ready? Alright, let's do it.
"I am okay."
