Applying to college is challenging and crisis-inducing. Many times during the process, you will cry over your keyboard, glare at the happy adolescent on the Common App page, experience panic attacks while checking your email, and even seriously consider backup options such as moving away and becoming a pole dancer. Do not worry. This will become your new routine. It can even become enjoyable if you follow these ten easy steps to get through your application process.

1. Don't.

OK, scratch that. You should probably apply to college, not only because higher education will almost certainly allow you to get a higher-paying professional position, but also because you will be able to be independent and “learn more about yourself and the world around you,” whatever that means. That's assuming you get in anywhere, which you will worry about night after miserable night. Anyway, let’s start over.

1. Build your list.

Write down every college you can think of, being completely open-minded and nondiscriminatory, and then pare it down to the bare essentials, i.e. the colleges you would actually consider attending. Don’t be afraid to do some research at this point. My mom got me a copy of "The Fiske Guide to Colleges," which is a 20-pound mountain of paper claiming to list the very best colleges in the United States (and a few elsewhere). You can also visit schools, go to their websites, or watch their YouTube videos (Yale’s YouTube account features a lovely admissions musical called, “That’s Why I Chose Yale,” that I still find absolutely delightful even though Yale rejected me. It’s fine. I’m fine. Really.) Get your list down to a reasonable number of schools (a “reasonable number” is different for everyone but is usually between one and 15) and make sure to include at least one that you know for certain will accept you. Don’t be that person that only applies to ivies and then promptly gets rejected from all of them. You don’t want to be that person. Trust me.

2. Ready for the fun part?

Just kidding. That was the fun part. Now that you have your list, the hard work begins. Get a flash drive for all of your essays and make a Common App account. While you’re at it, bookmark the Common App on your computer and get used to seeing that same smiling teen’s face on the homepage almost every day. They’re going to be your new best friend.

3. Ask your teachers for recommendation letters.

This can be really hard, because usually your teachers ask you to do things for them and not the other way around. Try to ask teachers who actually liked you and who taught you a lot. Ask them nicely, because they have a lot of things to do, and when they’re finished, bring them cookies. They don't get paid enough for all the paperwork they have to fill out.

4. Now it’s time to start filling out the Common App.

Before you can even apply to schools, you have to give the Common App all of your information. They’ll want your name, school, GPA, ACT, SAT, more acronyms, family information, urine sample, extracurricular activities, awards, map of your genome, social security number, Internet history, and much, much more. You’ll also have to write the Big Scary Common App Essay. This essay will go to every college you apply to and your entire future is riding on it, so it had better be the best thing you've ever written. Just kidding. Sort of. Anyway, you’ll be able to write your essay using one of five very boring prompts provided by the Common App. The prompts are vague, but they’re vague for a reason that the Common App won’t tell you: no one cares about the actual prompt. They want you to use the vague prompt as a vehicle to capture the very essence of your soul. That’s why I picked the vaguest prompt available and wrote a really long poem about my life. It was bold, but I’m going to college, so I guess it worked out okay.

5. Now you’ve finished the Common App, it’s time to apply to the actual schools.

Many schools, especially the ones that are selective and pretentious and have big intimidating names, will require you to write more essays than just the Big Scary Common App Essay. You may find that your list shrinks a little bit at this point. Stanford wanted me to write nine extra pieces for them, so I crossed them right off the list, no questions asked. These essays will be the bane of your existence. You will have more weird generalized prompts, suffocating word limits, and deadlines. The only saving grace is that occasionally two schools will ask you the same question and you can recycle an essay. Just make sure you change the name of the school when you do it. As one admissions counselor told me, Vanderbilt is not spelled D-U-K-E. It’s normal to cry a lot during this time. Replace your lost fluids with coffee.

6. Hit the ‘Submit’ button.

You will almost certainly have to pay an obscene amount of money just to apply to each school (even though they may just shake you down for your money and reject you like a common schoolyard bully), but after that, turn the thing in. Don’t wait until the day before it’s due. Get it out of the way as soon as you possibly can. Most due dates are between October and January. After you hit ‘Submit,’ fight the urge to break down in hysteria. You pressed the scary button. There’s no taking it back now.

7. Brace yourself as inevitable anxiety and crisis set in.

You’ve spent so long working so hard on these applications and now you have nothing to do. Your brain’s still in 'application mode' so the only thing you’re going to be able to think about is whether your essays were well written and whether your application was good enough and whether you even applied to the right schools. Try not to panic. It’s going to be fine, I promise. You just have to wait until March or April when the decisions come out. In the meantime, start thinking about the extra essays you'll have to write for your scholarship applications, or what your plan is for the rest of your life. Good luck grappling with these things. Please try not to self-medicate with alcohol or chocolate at this time. It's a downwards spiral that's impossible to escape.

8. Keep waiting.

And waiting. And waiting. Eventually, the panic will fade (although it will return in full force for a little bit while you’re trying to figure out how to fill out the FAFSA), but it will be replaced by a bitter impatience that grows by the day. You worked so hard on those applications. Why does it have to take so long for them to come out? Can’t the admissions people go any faster? When will you know? Try to see the bright side. This is sort of the time for your revenge. You worked long and hard through many sleepless nights and now it’s their turn to do the same. Try not to think about whether they’ll accept you or reject you. It’s not in your hands any longer, and will only make you even more crisis-prone than you already are.

9. Count your victories (and losses).

Open up those emails and envelopes and look for that one golden word that means you’re victorious: 'Congratulations.' If you see ‘Congratulations,’ celebrate. If you see ‘Unfortunately,’ don’t beat yourself up. It almost certainly has nothing to do with you. It seems like every year the standards are raised and the percentages of accepted students are lowered. Treat the schools that reject you like failed romances: you didn’t need them anyway. You deserve a school that accepts you. It’s okay to cry and drown your sorrows in chocolate for a few days (or weeks, in some cases), but make sure you pick yourself back up and celebrate the victories, because the most fun (and also most terrifying) step is next.

10. It’s time to decide your own destiny (and no, no one can pick for you. I asked.)

There are a lot of facts to consider, like cost and internship opportunities and quality and range of programs. Go to accepted student days to get the feel of the campus and talk to your parents about what’s right for you. If you can, pick your favorite school. This isn’t always possible, but keep in mind that no matter where you go you’re going to learn new things and make new friends and have a great time. Once you’ve made your decision, let your school know by May first and then ride out the rest of the school year knowing that the future is right around the corner. Good luck on your AP tests and finals.