There are absolutely no words to describe the pain one feels after experiencing the death of a family member or friend. The hugs, kind words, and condolences are thoughtful, but offer little help... is there really anything that can cure this sadness inside of me?

It feels like forever without you, and I still cry inside and feel anxious when people bring you into our conversations. My heart aches as it slowly sinks into the pit of my stomach at the thought of this tragedy. One year, eight months, four days, 14 hours, and 28 minutes since my life was completely filled with an emptiness and silence. Yes, I still count even after all this time, but I don't find it as sad as most people would. I look at it as more of a coping mechanism, a 'Wow, I cant believe I have made it this far without you' thought that keeps me going.

There are so many moments I wish I would have been able to experience with you. I would do anything to bring you back and continue this life with me. I will have days I break but I will not put my life on pause and dwell on the past; I don't want to disappoint you, and I can't let myself crawl deeper into darkness and fall so low I have no way to pull myself out. I am too strong for that, and I have you and God to thank for that.

Whether someone is religious, spiritual, or a nonbeliever, we all have hope that we will meet our loved ones who have passed away at another point in our existence. For me, God has been my saving grace. He has helped me through one of the toughest times of my life. Praying, reading my bible, and going to youth group has helped me with cope with your absence. I stopped blaming God for everything bad that had happened, because he wouldn't put me through this situation if he thought I could not handle it. He gives me faith that you are somewhere safe, protecting me, and waiting for me. I bet you're losing patience, I am too, but until then I am busy making you proud down here.

I find myself doing everything for you and dedicating all my success to you. You are the reason for my ambition to complete some of the most difficult goals in my life and challenges that I will come across. You have changed me forever, and I give you credit for all the positivity inside of me. I cannot forgive you for taking half of my heart with you, but I would not trust it in anyone else's hands.

From your sudden disappearance, I have learned that life is a tangled mess of unexpected events, and I can never claim or believe something is certain. This is not the way I would want this flame inside of me to be sparked but it burns on only for you. I love you.