Dear NSA,

I'm sorry for all the times I've googled the different ways to make a bomb with just things you can buy in airport terminals. I'm sorry for trying to see if ISIS has a kickstarter (they don't). I was really curious about the different pledge rewards. Also I'm sorry for all those times I started typing in Arabic when talking to people about my flight. I realize that my jokes are really limited and I refuse to get new material which is probably the worst crime that I've committed. It's come to the point where I realize that getting patted down in Dallas was really justified and I don't blame you if you revoke my pre-check application.

I just want you to know that I'm not a threat to national security. I'm just really dumb. But thanks for keeping an eye out for the good of the American people. Even though your entire department plays a minimal role in fighting terrorism, I know you're going to find them one day.

I'm also really proud of y'all for keeping up the age-old tradition of indiscriminate racism against people of color. It's completely needed and doesn't perpetuate any racism at all. Plus, it's completely justified when a majority of crime is committed by the exact people you're targeting.

In conclusion, I just want to say that your entire association is completely necessary and must be continued. How else would we feel safe without the constant threat of invisible policing? It's really comforting to know that you're with me when I'm asleep, watching and making sure I don't hack into any sensitive servers. Keep up the great work. I'm proud of you.