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An Apology To The Most Important Person In My Life

I've got a lot to say to you.

Macie Strum

Jul 18, 2016

Drexel University

353

An Apology To The Most Important Person In My Life

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Hey there,

Recently I have been neglecting you. I have been putting you down and telling you that you will never be good enough. But I can't keep doing this to you -- after all, you are the most important person I have. Without you, I wouldn't be able to carry on. So I write this for closure between us.

I’m sorry, me. I’m sorry I haven’t told myself that I am beautiful. Every time I look in that mirror, I find at least ten things wrong with me. I’m sorry I haven’t loved myself the way I should. I spend too much time thinking about everything I’ve done wrong, the shame I feel, and the guilt I've held within me everyday for things that I cannot change and in truth, were never that bad to begin with.

I'm sorry that I have spent so long only blaming myself for everything bad that has ever happened to me. Yes, I do take responsibility for what has happened to me, but I also need to realize that in any given situation, I am not the only one at fault and there is more than one factor that plays into things. Plus, everything happens for a reason.

I’m sorry for the pain I’ve put myself through. I’m sorry that I’ve hurt the people who care about me most and have brought them down with me. I’m sorry for the moments I’ve only thought about myself, and thought about my pain and hurt. At the same time, I am sorry that I sometimes undermine my pain. Yes, I am aware that there are people out there that have it so much worse, but that doesn’t mean I can’t struggle too. That does not mean what I feel isn’t real. Pain is inevitable, and everyone will feel it from time to time.

I’m sorry I second guess my choices when I know they are right. I’m sorry my head thinks it knows what's right, but my heart is the one that actually know -- no matter how painful the outcome is. In the past, the most difficult decisions I've made lead to the best results. I'm sorry I have trouble seeing that at times and am too pessimistic.

I'm sorry I sometimes let myself think nothing will ever get better. I find myself sitting around too much and moping when I should be out there living. Things have already gotten better, and will continue to. Life has a funny way of working itself out and eventually everything and everyone will be healed; the key is patience. I've been through tough times before and I always come out swinging. There is no doubt that that will happen again. Plus, I'm so young and I'd be crazy to think I would actually wallow in sadness forever. What do I have to be sad about anyways?

Lastly, I apologize to myself for not thinking I am the most important person in my life. I'm sorry for all those times I have made some one else all of my happiness. And also for forgetting myself in all the hustle and bustle that life often throws at me. Because of all of this I have done stupid things I would have never done if I were more confident, secure, and happy with myself.

Okay, me -- the only way left is up. Never stop improving and looking forward to the future. You have quite a good one in store for you.

Sincerely,
Macie, aka me, aka you.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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An Apology To The Most Important Person In My Life

I've got a lot to say to you.

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Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

The ultimate list and gif guide to a college student's brain during finals.

What does the world outside the library look like?

Can I read this entire book tonight?

I should have gone to class more often.

Did the professor even teach this?

What is the lowest grade I can get on this exam and still pass the class?

Should I just drop out of school now?

Finals are ruining Christmas.

Just wrote three sentences so time for a break.

Need. More. Coffee.

What is sleep?

I'm too stupid for college.

Brain hurts.

Time for a Facebook Break.

I think I'm dying.

When will I ever need this information in the real world?

I can't read any of my notes.

I need my mom.

When was the last time I showered?

I need study snacks.

The struggle is so real right now.

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever else invented copy and paste. Thank you."

1. I'm so tired. I need a nap. Maybe I can sleep with my eyes open in class? Or pretend I'm not napping?

2. We have a test today? Why didn't anyone tell me? Did I know this?!

3. Can I quit school yet? It's only October, and I need a vacation.

4. The struggle is so real.

5. I'm so broke. SOS.

6. Stressed? Eat everything you own in your pantry and stuff your face with all your feelings.

7. "Did we have anything due in class today? Homework? Quiz? Test?" "Not that I know of..."

8. I need food. Where is the closest place to get food? I need it stat.

9. This is the longest day of my life. I need a drink, or two, or three.

10. Sleep? What is sleep? What a foreign concept.

11. When someone suggests going and studying in the library, let alone studying in general.

12. When the cafeteria or student center is packed and you can't find a seat anywhere so you literally have to sit in an abandoned corner.

13. When you see someone you used to hook up with. They see you, and approach you; so you have to pretend like everything is normal.

14. When you get your exam and realize you didn't study as much as you should have.

15. When you crush it on an exam or paper that you totally bullshitted.

16. I need a grande, extra strong coffee to get me through today.

17. When the professor announces you have a project due the following week with no instruction on what it's on and how to do it.

18. Is it Friday yet? Where's the weekend when you need it most?

19. It's freezing in here. I feel like I'm sitting in an igloo. I should have brought a jacket or worn long pants.

20. Did I remember my book? Damn, I forgot the book, and of course I need it for that quiz in class.

21. I would pay a million dollars to not go to class today; or actually never again.

22. I need a hoverboard to ride to class. Maybe then I wouldn't be running 15 minutes late to class every day.

23. Oh she/he's cute! I wonder if they're single. Who are they texting? They're BF/GF? I wonder if they think I'm cute. Could they be a potential new bae?

24. Why is there never any parking? I pay thousands of dollars a year for one parking spot to be open.

25. When it feels like you've been in class for an hour and you look at your phone and it has only been five minutes (I'm crying on the inside).

26. When the professor asks if there are any more questions at the end of class and someone raises their hand.

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