Beloved Human,
I am sorry for spinning in circles as if I am perpetually riding the Tea Cup ride at Disney World. First off, you've never taken me to experience that classic ride and so in attempts to satisfy my wishes, I am re-creating the ride. However, I really pirouette around due to the fact that when I have the urge to rest on my small bed, I try to become so dizzy that I can trick myself into thinking my bed is actually comfortable and not too snug around my hind legs. But please, don't feel guilty. I understand that I am not the best when it comes to giving you "personal space" while you sleep.
I am also sorry for shattering the cookie jar last week. I would have gently retrieved it (but I'm not a golden retriever) and maturely helped myself to the contents inside, except I don't have thumbs and the sweet smell of cookies trailed up my nose and I lost every ounce of self control. I knew it was a mistake when I heard the words "you ate" and "chocolate" used in the same sentence. My stomach felt like the field after the Super Bowl: torn up.
I am extremely sorry for kissing your boyfriend on the lips... multiple times. It's not what it looks like. I promise. He loves you. I know this because he told me thinking I would not tell you, but I'm a "kiss and tell" type of dog. The obsession with smooching him is completely explainable: his chapstick stings my nostrils and the sharp cherry scent mixed with his peppery cologne pierces my nose so much that the only solution is to wipe it off his lips completely. The pungent scents bite at my skin and I can't help but to eliminate it completely. I feel even worse for you because you're the one who has to kiss those cherry-smacked lips more than I do.
I am sorry that I yelled (barked) at you for interacting with that disgusting hairless cat. To be fair, the cat looked like a small clay replica of Yoda and reeked of an overused litter box. I appreciate your love for all animals, but please, you do not have to pretend that heathen was cute just to be nice to its owner. I still feel very betrayed that you touched this cat, but I forgive you because if I don't I will 1) not get dinner and 2) will not have my belly rubbed by your soft hands. I feel that you are especially good at both of those things and you know what they say about talent: it shouldn't be wasted.
I am sorry about the white carpet in the living room. If you haven't seen it, then I have no idea what's on the white carpet and I just fabricated that entire first sentence. But I am assuming you have because you are all-powerful and I am very sorry.
As for my last apology, I feel that this one is most important:
I am very sorry for the continuous howling in the early hours of the morning. You see, when the sun climbs up the sky and peers over our groggy city, when it washes over our apartment and fill it with light, I am often mesmerized that this is the same light you see every morning. I am in awe that you chose me to wake up to this beautiful sight with you each day and how much we love it. I cannot help but to feel comforted at the fact that even at the very root of our souls, we are so alike. We are meant for each other. So I howl loud enough for my noises to carry through the city and echo everywhere. You know what I'm howling? I LOOOOOOVE MMMYY OOOOOWNER!
It's true!
So I'm sorry for the things I do wrong, but you must remember: I am only a small part of your big, long life, but to me, you are my whole life. And that's worth shouting for the world to hear.
Apologies and Love,
Dog
P.S. I hope that last part made up for the white carpet.
