The end is near.
No, not the end of the world. Just the end of the campaign trail that has, many, many times, left me looking at the TV screen or the newspaper, thinking to myself, this is bizarre.
It truly has been bizarre. From the very beginning of the campaign trail, back when many of us figured that Jeb Bush would be the Republican nominee...ahh, times were so simple. All the way back to the straight-outta-the-Simpsons elevator descent of Donald Trump, the months leading up to now have been anything but ordinary. So too, I imagine, will be the United States after the election- whatever happens (even though we can all pretty safely say we know what is going to happen).
Here are my predictions for the country after election day:
Scenario One: Donald reveals that the whole thing was a Halloween costume that he grew fond of. I'm thinking of a situation similar to when your coworker is Ron Swanson for Halloween, so he grows a mustache that he comes to like and chooses to rock it all year long. He looks ridiculous, but you humor him.
So when Donald Trump loses, he will claim that it was just a joke all along- a long, grueling, expensive joke that went on for so long it stopped being funny. Lose the stache, Donald. Lose the stache.
Scenario Two: The self described decidedly moral non-voters form their own society. The story goes a little something like this: enraged that Chipotle no longer serves carnitas, the non-voters decide that they no longer want Chipotle at all. They don't want Mexican food either- hell, they don't even want food. They all somehow end up at their local Wal-Mart, chewing on plastic flip flops. Once they meet, they form a sort of commune in the woods, where they tell tales of the Orwellian society that they narrowly escaped long ago. Of course, it's only been four days, they're in Rock Creek park, and their parents are very worried.
Scenario Three: When Donald Trump loses, the Great Wall of Mexico is finally built. But it's not exactly how he pictured it. Instead of the wall dividing the United States from Mexico, the wall is a circle in the middle of the Chihuahuan desert, and Donald Trump and all of his supporters are inside of it. They are attempting to build their own society, with not a taco truck in sight, and Donald is very excited. He doesn't see the irony.
Scenario Four: Somehow, Donald Trump wins, but Hillary still lives in the White House. Donald Trump, however, hasn't realized it yet. Hillary goes from room to room like a shadow-ninja (a term she herself just made up), climbing through the ventilation like she's in Oceans Eleven. Somehow, though, she continues to use her Twitter account, occasionally posting what Donald Trump sings in the shower- Janet Jackson's "Nasty" seems to be his favorite number, followed by REM's "Everybody Hurts." But it doesn't last forever. Hillary is eventually found shimmying through the air vent, and Trump deports her. He doesn't know where he deported her to- his final instructions to security, when told that Hillary was American and cannot be deported, were to just "grab her by the...wherever." He then began shouting about how something was "rigged," and went inside.
Scenario Five: Kaine doesn't work out as VP, so once Hillary is elected, she starts her own show. She calls it "The Apprentice."Naturally, the Don is furious. He decides to compete on the show, and tweets that he will "make The Apprentice great again." He also thinks its the worst idea for a show he's ever heard. He makes it surprisingly far in the show...even though he's clearly a turd basket, people somehow flock towards him. The entire country is in a state of deja vu, with some people excited at the prospect of such a firecracker getting so far, and most others just scratching their heads and wondering how the hell this happened. When he finally gets to the chopping block, Hillary comes up to Trump and says, "you're fired." Once again, he claims that his microphone was off and the whole thing was rigged. And, once again, he does not see the irony.
