We're hanging out, playing video games. I look over at you and you're concentrated on winning. My mind tells me that you're bored or that you've come to a sudden realization that you don't want me anymore. I start to panic and think I did something wrong, but I snap out of it when I realize I'm being ridiculous. I smile, because you're cute when you're concentrated and go back to playing like nothing was wrong.
An hour later, we're talking on the couch holding hands. You let go of my hand, maybe because our palms were sweaty, maybe because you needed to stretch. My mind tells me that you're withdrawing yourself from me because you want nothing more to do with me. I start to panic because I think you don't want me anymore. Then, after you're done fidgeting with your shirt or scratching your arm, you look at me, smile and scoop my hand right back up into yours. My mind rests again.
We're taking a walk. The conversation is exciting and we're laughing. I don't even notice where I am because I'm so happy and all I see is you. We grow quiet as our laughter dies down. You're looking for Pokemon on your phone. My mind wanders to the places I don't want it to go. I start thinking that maybe you're using your phone as an excuse to avoid me. I start to panic because maybe you've realized that I'm crazy and I'm not worth it. Maybe you don't want me anymore. Then, you look up and notice me staring at you. You smile and playfully kick the back of my leg, and we laugh. I forget why I was panicking in the first place.
The night has come to a close, and when we say goodnight and goodbye, I catch a glimpse of something different in your eyes that I haven't seen before. You get in your car and drive away, and I start cursing myself and analyzing my every move that night to see if I did something wrong. I start to panic because I think you don't want me anymore, but you call me while you're on the road, and you tell me I'm your favorite person. I feel like an idiot, but I'm relieved. I feel my heart start to beat again.
You get home and end the phone call so you can talk to your mom, and you text me when you're done. I start to calculate your average response time so I'll know if something is wrong. You take an extra four minutes to respond than usual, and each second I wait is agonizing. I start to panic and think you've decided to drop me. You don't want me anymore, obviously, because it's been four extra minutes and you haven't responded. What did I do wrong? My mind starts racing more and I know I'm being crazy, but my heart has dropped into my stomach and my mind starts replaying past experiences. It's been six extra minutes now. I start to prepare my goodbye speech, and before I can finish the first sentence, you text me. You were in the shower. I breathe a sigh of relief, but I start beating myself up because I know I'm ridiculous. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I the way I am? You text me again, and it's something that makes my heart rise right back up into my chest. The madness in my head stops (for now) and I get lost in you again.
It starts to get late, and we start getting sleepy. We're talking about feelings, and your responses start getting slower. Then, all of a sudden, they stop. I wait and wait, and I go through the same process as before when you took six extra minutes to text back, except this time it's worse because you don't text back at all. I stay up for two more hours, panic, and agonize over what I could have said to make you ghost on me. You don't want me anymore. I take one of my pills that is supposed to calm me down and it doesn't help. Eventually, though, I'm overcome with sleep, and my mind finally rests. I wake up the next day to a text from you. You fell asleep. I internally kick myself because I'm an idiot and I should have known that. I'm mortified at how much I freaked out, but then you start to make me laugh and I forget all about it.
The cycle will start all over again, but for now my mind is at ease.
