I recently came across a Thought Catalog article on Facebook called “My Anxiety Makes Me Feel Like A Bad Girlfriend” written by Holly Riordan. As I was reading this article, I couldn’t help but notice how I related to the entire article 100 percent. Anxiety has been the sole reason why I feel like I am such a terrible girlfriend. It has been a struggle for me throughout my entire relationship. Although my struggles with anxiety have improved, I still find myself battling with it every day. I freak out over the smallest inconveniences, find it hard to socialize, and become easily paranoid because of the thoughts that are put in my head. All of these things are what make me feel like I am doing a terrible job as a girlfriend.
Since I graduated high school, it seemed like my life has gotten a lot harder and anxiety started creeping into my life. The more bad things happened to me, the more I would start to become upset about small things that would get messed up. When it would happen between my boyfriend and I, I would get overly upset over stupid things like if he had to cancel plans for some reason or if we get into a small argument. I would overanalyze these inconveniences and then think they would lead to something bigger, like us breaking up. Things like this would cause unnecessary arguments that would escalate for pretty much no reason. I always felt it was my fault though because I couldn’t control my worries and the thoughts running through my head. Of course it has gotten better with time and better communication, but I find it so far to not worry about things and not get upset over small stuff. I feel as if maybe I would be a much better girlfriend if I didn’t act this way about stupid, little mishaps.
My boyfriend knows a lot of people. He has a family he is close to and a lot of good friends. This means that at some point I would have to talk to them and socialize. For me, socializing is very overwhelming, especially with strangers. When I would meet my boyfriend’s friends, a lot of them would be pretty outgoing, so I easily get scared and stay very quiet. Then when I am around his family, I get anxious around them because I know how important they are to him and I don’t want them to think I am weird or have them not like me. The down side to being so quiet and anxious around the people my boyfriend cares about is that it might make me seem like I am stuck up or mean. In reality, I genuinely want to talk to them and get to know them more. I am just scared I will mess it up.
The main reason why I have so much trouble with all of this is because of the thoughts in my head. I feel like my brain is constantly telling me that I am not good enough for him and that he will leave me at any given second. It is a really scary thought for me because he means the world to me and I do not want to lose him. Then if he goes out with his friends I get paranoid and think that maybe he is up to no good or other girls will be around. It is not that I don’t trust him or that he would actually go out and do bad things, anxiety just puts these thoughts into my head and makes me overthink every little thing. And then when he is upset, I automatically think it is something I did wrong, even though in most cases, it isn’t. I would still worry excessively though and find it hard to help him because I can’t stop overthinking.
It is hard feeling like a bad girlfriend because anxiety doesn’t let me believe many of the good things I actually am. My boyfriend will tell me wonderful things about myself and how much he loves me, but it is so hard to grasp when all I ever think is how terrible I have been. Regardless of my struggles with my anxiety and how it affects my role as a girlfriend, I love my boyfriend with all my heart and wouldn’t trade him for the world. I am thankful he is very understanding of how I am and my problems. He is always willing to help me and trying his hardest to help me. Although anxiety likes to ruin my self-esteem, it will never ruin my love for him.
