"Everyone has a strand of anxiety in them, it's just what you do to control it or make it worse that makes it prevalent or not." Sitting in a 500 student lecture my first semester of college at 8:30 a.m., this is the only piece of information I took from my psychology professor one day. I remember thinking about that one phrase all day and asking myself, "What did I do to make my anxiety so bad?"
My mom and I constantly have conversations about this because neither of us knowS what happened. One year I was fine. I was able to play sports just as I had since I was 4, I was able to go to school without worrying about getting sick, but that all changed senior year. I can remember sitting in my Anatomy class listening to my teacher lecture about the brain and feel my stomach start to feel like my organs were twisting and ripping apart.
Occasionally, I would start hyperventilating and crying. I could not sleep for months. The sports I loved had become quite an event for me. Public speaking was never my forte, but I could not even stand up in front of my 15 classmates and give a 5-minute speech without shaking and sweating uncontrollably (gross I know). What was happening?
I saw many doctors only for them to tell me nothing was visibly or physically wrong. I felt helpless. I still had no idea what was wrong. It was all mental. My parents, my doctors and I agreed that medication and therapy could change what was going on in my body and head. The words "anxiety medication" made me, ironically, anxious. Anxious because I could possibly feel relief again, normal.
That excited me.
Anxious because what if this medication makes me gain weight? The thought that has affected me for years. Anxiety is labeled as a mental disorder. Wow, if that didn't make me feel like a messed up human I don't know what would. Nervousness. Did I really have anxiety? I'm different, weird, definitely not a normal kid. Through the process of being diagnosed, I was a different person. I never wanted to hang out with my friends, I was upset 99% of the time, easily irritated and extremely passive aggressive (sorry pals).
At first, I was embarrassed about having to take this medication and see a therapist. After a while, I learned not to be embarrassed. Getting help for yourself to be a better person is not embarrassing. Everyone has flaws, it's how you handle them. Nobody is perfect, and that took me a while to grasp and understand. I tried to be perfect, or as perfect as I could be, at everything.
My brothers were brilliant boys (straight As, 1400 on the SAT, 4.0s) that were super successful. That wasn't me. I had to work my butt off in high school to earn the grades I did, and they were nowhere near as perfect as theirs. We were all very athletic, and I excelled in sports. My oldest brother played volleyball in college, but how does one compare to that? Again, super successful.
The pressures of being a teenager in high school are endless. You have to get perfect grades, perfect scores and be involved in a plethora of extracurriculars in order to even be considered for the top university or college on your list. Or at least that's what we think.
After this entire process, the college and anxiety, I have learned something that I've been trying to get through to every high schooler facing the same difficulties I did. Be confident. Your siblings, parents, and friends do not define who you have to be. Try your hardest. Your grades do not exemplify your work ethic or how hard you tried in school. Be involved in clubs and organizations that interest you. Don't try to be someone you're not. If you put the maximum amount of effort into everything you cannot look back and have regrets. Have fun.
High school is a time to enjoy with your friends, make memories, and try new things (without endangering yourself or others). It's hard to overcome that voice inside your head saying "stay home, be alone tonight." If you let your mind make your decision once or twice, it will continually happen, and you will regret missing out on so many fun times.
Love life because you are you and you are made the way you are for a reason. Everyone is different based on athletic ability, talent, and academic success, but that's what makes us unique. No one wants to live in a world where everyone is the same! If that were the case, life would be extremely bland and we wouldn't be able to celebrate the successes you will have in the near future. Don't let the fear of being perfect affect you in a way that will make you less confident of who you are. What is considered "perfect" is an anomaly.
What people think about you does not matter, and I know that is so hard to get through to yourself. We are always worried about what people are saying or thinking about us, but that does not matter. Let people talk, but don’t let them detrimentally affect you at the same time. You have to think, “Clearly something about me interests them enough that they’re thinking and talking about me.” It is not always a negative!
Anxiety affects more people than you think. Nobody is perfect, but you hear people saying all the time, "Oh my gosh she is perfect have you seen her wardrobe? She's gorgeous and brilliant wow I wish I were her," or, "Wow he's perfect; good looks, great hair, super athletic, brilliant... his future is a golden ticket." No one knows what those people are going through on the inside. Don't judge a book by its cover, but instead be supportive and boost their confidence a little more. I have learned that gaining confidence in life is a long process, but having a little bit in everything you do makes it that much easier. Don't let people look down on you for any reason. Anxiety or not, you're perfect because you are you. It's just one more thing for people to love about us!
