High school - it's supposed to be the best four years of your life, right? They've been telling you for years how great it is and how you finally get to experience life as you know it and you have more freedom from your parents than ever before. It's great or at least it's supposed to be, right?
It's freshman year and everything is changing. Your friends are changing, your schedule is changing, your body is changing, the atmosphere is changing. You're in high school now and things begin to matter. With so much happening all too fast, the inevitable sets in and anxiety tries to take over. You keep on pushing and telling yourself you can do this... and you do. You finish freshman year on top.
Come sophomore year...
You've got high school figured out and you get your first "real" boyfriend. You spend a whole year of this whole "high school" thing together. You get to know his family, they become like your very own. You become his #1 fan in everything he does. You put your trust into him like nobody before because, well...he loves you, right? Yes! A naive girl without hesitation would say.b Maybe these are the best years of my life - because it is, at the time. But then, it all ends. He's looking for something greater than you, something more satisfying. Why?? You gave him the world, loved him more than any girl could, what more could he want?
Why wasn't I good enough?
Where did I go wrong?
Who could love him more than I did?
Did he really even mean anything he ever told me?
The anxiety takes over. It begins to control every aspect of your life. It interferes with friends, family, school, and your overall happiness. You tell yourself you're fine and that it'll get better. It's not getting better, in fact, it's getting worse. You're not eating, you're not sleeping, you're not going out with friends, you're crying every time you have one spare minute alone...but still, you manage to convince yourself it's normal and it'll get better.
You're a junior now. You are halfway through "the best years of your life", and you've hit your lowest of lows. School has kicked it up a notch, you're involved with everything you can be on campus, and Jesus is somewhere in the mix. Your grades are dropping, you have no motivation to do absolutely anything, and you've almost lost all sight of the Lord in this crazy life of yours. This year reality begins to set in and the word "college" begins to get thrown around. Grades matter, resumes are beginning to be built, career searches have taken place and oh my gosh...anxiety takes over.
What if I never figure out what I want to to do?
What if colleges don't accept me because of this B In physics?
What if I don't find the "perfect" college for me?
How am I supposed to go on without my best friends?
What even is actually happening in my life right now?
Nothing is really wrong, yet everything seems wrong..you feel like you're in a downward spiral that you just can not get out of...every single breath you take is getting more and more exhausting. But still...you know you're supposed to be stronger than this and surely everyone else feels the same way...so you convince yourself you're fine.
You found a new boy...his smile is perfect, his family is amazing, and his laugh is contagious. It's everything you want... but of course anxiety takes over.
Does he actually like me for who I am or is he just looking for a hook up?
Does he just want me for just a little while because he has never had a girlfriend before?
Does he just want sex?
Does he tell his family about me?
He's never told you any of this or even remotely hinted that this is all he wanted but it's like a cursed voice in the back of your head constantly questioning anything and everything he says and does. Every. single. thing. becomes a question in your head. It's not him, it's you. He doesn't even know theses going on. You don't want to question everything about this guy that has never done anything to prove himself bad. You don't want to sound crazy. You want that reassurance that yes, he wants you for you, not anything else. You want the constant voice in the back of your head to stop, it is exhausting- but it won't because, anxiety has taken over.
It's the sleepless nights.
It's the crying behind every shut door because you're told "You're stronger than this".
It's the days you feel absolutely hopeless and helpless
It's feeling completely foreign in your own body.
It's the nights when you can't even open your book bag without breaking down in tears.
It's the complete loss of focus in school.
It's the meals skipped.
it's the feeling of emptiness...numbness.
it's doing anything and everything to distract yourself from just a second of idle thoughts.
It's the "I'm fine" answer to every "are you okay?" question.
Nobody knows what's running through your mind at what seems like 475939mph. You put on a mask in front of your friends because- no, really, I promise I'm fine.
'I'm fine' crying every single night.
'I'm fine' not knowing what has happened to my happiness.
'I'm fine' not knowing what this voice that seems foreign is doing taking over my life.
'I'm fine' keeping everything bottled up until one day I just absolutely can no longer look up with a smile and say 'I'm fine'. I'm absolutely 100% not fine, and IT'S OKAY.
It's okay to say "I'm not okay".
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to open up to your boyfriend, because most likely he will still love you--I promise!
It's okay face this head on.
It's okay to let yourself have a really bad day one day.
It's okay to crank up Taylor Swift as loud as you can and block out the world for a little while.
Before you know it, it's your senior year. The last and final year of this "high school" thing...a year of memories, laughs, and tears. Cherish the friendships, cherish the memories, live in the present...and whatever you do, don't you dare let anxiety take over.
Life is yours, go out and get it.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
